| hide details Feb 5 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||
I am not sure how to tell you this, but I assume that you have also seen it coming.
I would like you to cancel your flight and hotel reservation for next week. I am more than willing to pay you back and cover any fees you get for cancellation. I intend to withdraw from school, which means I will find a job to pay off loans and bills, so do not worry about my financial state.
In an admittedly half-assed attempt to "go down swinging," I am prepared to speak with you about this, along with answering any questions you may have and listening to anything you may have to say to me no matter how harsh. I understand that this weekend is going to be pretty busy for you, so just pencil me in when you can. You may say as much or as little as you so desire.
To save time, if you ever feel the need to ask how I am doing, just don't. I feel worse than I ever have before. Every word I could pull from the saddest songs and my most miserable of poetry apply, and it feels ten-fold. I am sorry, I am scared, I am lonely, I am hopeless. I am worthless, I am angry, I am given up on, I am a lost cause. I am depressed, lost, weak, disgusted, aching, trembling, terrified, sleepless, lonely, abandoned. I am utterly broken.
" I can't help it, baby, this is who I am. "
I cannot bear to continue a relationship, much less of this distance. I cannot bear to rely so heavily on one person that they take on all responsibility for my well-being. I hate being able to so easily hide things from you and as a result cause myself -- and inevitably, you -- more suffering.
Understand that this is neither direction of blame towards you nor a request for pity -- only the truth as I keep behind bloodshot eyes. You are not at fault. Nothing is expected from you, and reasonable requests you make from me will not be turned down.
sincerely
me
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