thispainful realization thatALLhasgone wrong

i'm really going crazy with Christopher lately.

"Eugh. What's up?"

"nothing new, really? he just tried to brush me off again when I was talking about graduation and what I plan to do."

"I imagine that's really frustrating."

i told him i need to know... what's gonna happen. he said just to plan without him.

"..."

sigh.

"That's... awkward."

the last thing I want to have to do is give him an ultimatum... but this is just killing me.

"No no, I totally understand that. And I don't think you're out of line for asking about that. In a long distance relationship, you have to know that. I mean, it's not like you're going "AFTER GRADUATION ARE WE GOING TO GET MARRIED? HAVE KIDS? GET A HOUSE? BE TOGETHER FOREVER?" You're just asking about plans."

yes. that's right.

"And saying "Plan without me" is not normal."

well, the question i asked was if our whole situation was "too sketchy to plan anything on." he said he wouldn't call it "sketchy," but to "plan without him."

"I think that might be even worse."

well... i think it's a little bit like putting words in his mouth.

"You're just asking if the relationship is going somewhere, and you've been dating for years. I think you need to talk with him and ask him."

heh. he just sidesteps any discussion like that

"Well, Chel, ultimatums don't generally end well, but you deserve better than that. You can't just ignore your significant other. You can't. If you were being crazy. I'd tell you, because having gone through it myself, I'd hate to see something like that cause problems again. You're being perfectly sane. It's normal to ask where things are going in a roundabout sense by asking if you should be planning with him in the future after 2 years. It's not normal to ask somebody you've been dating for 6-8 months if you're going to get married, have kids, get a house, et cetera every waking hour."

he has one year of internship then one more year of classes. i have less than a year

"Okay. So, like, I get that it means he's going to be "rooted" still for a while. But I don't think brusquely dismissing your girlfriend with a "plan without me" is normal or a good sign."

i just wanted... something... i don't know. something reassuring.

"Oh yeah, I totally agree. It's not like you were asking him to propose."

of course not

"You were just, if I'm understanding this correctly, asking if the relationship was going to last to the point where he'd be in your life after your graduation."

i never actually used the word "relationship." i just said "this."

and i said i could take another term even, since he has so much longer to go than I do -- and he said not to do that on his behalf.

"So did he actually use the phrase "plan without me"? Or was it just "Don't take an extra semester on my behalf"?"

both. I was in tears so I said I was tired to end the conversation.

"Ugh. Okay, yeah, if he said plan without me, I'd be worried. You have to get an answer from him. Going after him screaming for an answer isn't a good idea. But pressing him about it and saying something like "Christopher, I'm worried. I need to know what you're thinking here." is okay."

well, i think something's up with him lately. I don't want to force more on his plate if that's the case

"I think that's fair Chel, and you should probably tell him that. But what's not fair is leaving you in this position. You do not deserve that."

what if it's just karma?

like every horrible thing i've done just laughing in my face

"Chel, you don't deserve this. I don't care what you may or may not have done in the past. You don't.

Uncertainty and loneliness in a relationship are the worst things in the world.

No one deserves those things."

i'm scared

i honestly have no clue what he'll say

i really don't

"This isn't fair to you, and it's obviously not having positive effects on you. I'd call you on it if I thought you were being out of line. You're not."

but... I don't want to have to make him decide either way because of my situation.

I want to believe he sincerely wants this and that no one pressured him: least of all myself.

"I think that's fair. But you also have to be fair to yourself, you know? Relationships have to have good communication and reliability."

sigh.

"Maybe you won't like the answer... but is the current situation really sustainable?

i-

"Without martyring yourself."

...eh.