Deterioration

Broke down to tears again last night. Rather than be comforted I had a shoulder to cry on, all I felt was shame -- I don't want anyone to see me like this. It's not that I am ungrateful, of course. I've just been raised by people who value other people's opinions to the point where they compromise those of their family. And yet I can't place the blame fully on them -- much of this is directly from me.

The History Channel has this special series that covers the historical origins of the 7 Deadly Sins. I started watching them on OnDemand, and they're pretty interesting. The one on Sloth, however, hit a little too close to home. People always seem to think Sloth is a more minor sin in comparison to the other six. And it makes sense, right? Not like you're hurting people. But apparently it's the one of the worst. I know Dante put the slothful in the same river as the wrathful:

"...That others lie plunged deep in this vile broth,
Whose sighs–see there, wherever one may look-
Come bubbling up to the top and make it froth.

Bogged there they say: ‘Sullen were we–we took
No joy of the pleasant air, no joy of the good
Sun; our hearts smoldered with a sulky smoke;

Sullen we lie here now in the black mud.’"


That is to say that sloth, sullenness, depression are just another form of wrath -- only directed inward. Yeah, that sounds about right.

They go on to define sloth further... initially it was two different sins: acedia and tristitia. Essentially apathy, listlessness, melancholy, hopelessness, etc. It was a pretty long list and description, and each increased the amount of saliva I swallowed as I stared at the floor.

These "sinners" were cast out, punished, shamed. Countless attempts to "cure" the sorrowful were an expensive waste at best, and a painful end at worst. Now we know better, but the stigma is still there. I can still remember my family's faces when I was at my lowest point. I see them sometimes when everything is fine and good. It's like those expressions of disgust contorted their faces in a way that I can never see what used to be.

But I'm just rambling at this point, pitying myself for no real reason.

Get yourself together, damn it.