I'm still scared. I've been trying really hard to put on a brave face and do what needs to be done... but there's still a part of me that just wants to curl up in a corner alone and sob. And within that is a piece of me that keeps whispering "I can't do this anymore. It's too hard."
That part of me keeps me lying in bed awake, keeps me from getting up to quiet my starving body. It keeps me from really being able to give a shit about anything. It keeps my lips closed when I need to speak and dulls my mind when I need to listen.
Whenever I get my vitals taken, people always say that my heartrate is very fast, even at rest. Physiology says it's to compensate for low blood pressure, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it's from living my life in constant, sometimes paralyzing fear.
I know that I need to help myself. But part of me has already given up and it's difficult to give up this misery because by now I've grown accustomed to it. Its consistent presence is almost comforting, especially when I feel like I'm spinning out of control.
Fuck.
help me
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