So I've been sponsoring a little girl in the Philippines through Children International. I'll be honest -- it wasn't my idea. I was ambushed by people with clipboards on the PSU campus for weeks before I caved in to one that was actually polite. I'm terrible at saying "no" to people. Even after I started sponsoring a child and told the ambushers so, they continued to pester me though -- "you can sponsor ANOTHER child!" One man went so far as to physically try to reach into my bag to get my credit card. After that, I became more firm with declining and avoided even eye contact with them. (This is very difficult for me -- I love making eye contact and smiling at people!)
Regardless of the terrible volunteers, I've continued to donate for over two years now to a little girl named Dianne B. She's ten-years-old now and I've been getting yearly photos and hand-written letters from her. I haven't replied or written her anything, because no one told me how to -- today I stumbled upon the Sponsorship Guidebook they sent me a few weeks after I signed up, and there's a whole section on how to write to your child. I really wish I'd found that sooner.
I wonder what she thinks of me -- this mysterious stranger she calls Ms. Mercado, who's given her family $20 every month for two years. Do you think she looks at the letters and pictures all the other sponsored children get and wonder why she doesn't get one too? Do you think she's ever afraid that I will stop helping? She doesn't have much to say in her letters -- I get little stories of things that happen in her life, things she enjoys, thank yous for supporting her family. I wonder what other sponsors write about. What would I say? Would I tell her that when I look at her picture I see a little girl that, were the circumstances different, I could have very well been? Do I tell her that I've walked the very streets in Manila her family probably lives on, watching children with tiny unwashed hands and feet running around nearly naked? Do I tell her that it's really the guilt I have buried deep inside me that continues to make these donations, which, in a twisted way, satiate my gut for a time?
I was sent an information sheet about Dianne two years ago. She has five other siblings, mostly older than her. Just reading it tugged at my heartstrings -- it was only luck with the randomness of life that I was not in her position.
Child sleeps on: The floor with a mat
Water Source: Neighbor's faucet
I'm sure there's an element of manipulation on Children International's part -- they certainly keep sending me their own letters trying to suck more money from me -- but I still have this sense of duty, of obligation to this little girl on the other side of the world.
It's guilt, it's all guilt. I feel bad that I am so lucky and so many others are less fortunate. Christopher once told me that maybe I had "a little too much empathy." Mitchell thought I was a sucker and shouldn't worry about other people. I can't help it. I guess it's just who I am -- I can't rest knowing that the world isn't fair. It makes me so sad, especially when I can't do anything about it. I know that I can't save the world, but it hurts to see how small of an impact I can make in the grand scheme of things. It doesn't keep me from trying, but it does make it difficult to be carefree and happy, worrying about everyone else in the world. I don't know why and I don't know how to stop. There are certainly people with the means to do much more than I can, and God knows that I still neglect taking proper care of myself.
It's frustrating. But I still get a small sense of satisfaction when I get the letters and pictures from Dianne. It makes me happy. Yes, it makes me sad when I think about it more. But I don't regret signing up to sponsor her, and I will continue to sponsor her and her family while I can.
If I'm a sucker, so be it. I don't know how to be any other way.
And I don't think I want to.
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