What I can do

The only thing that I am capable

and willing

to do

is curl into a ball

and sleep and cry and stare at the ceiling

What is wrong with me?

What I cannot do...

...eat regularly. I cannot eat adequate amounts even when I do. I cannot make decisions, cannot drink enough water, cannot help but feel pressured and frustrated. So much that I am unable to do. I can't

keep my pillow dry,

sleep through an entire night without waking,

find reason to get out of bed,

remember my dreams.

Talk about my problems, stop trying to pretend nothing's wrong, answer "how are you?" honestly.

Go through a day without breaking down, step outside without a feeling of utter vulnerability.

Look forward eagerly, look into the past and not feel like a failure.

Shake this overwhelming feeling of guilt or give myself a break.

Find a meaning for anything I do, find inspiration or hope or opportunity.

This.

I cannot do this.

feeling faint

Need to eat more. I get dizzy and feel like passing out while I walk around. Feel sick forcing self to eat.

Forgetful... apparently I put the milk jug in the sink instead of the refrigerator this morning. Left my car lights on, battery's dead now.

In the good news department, at least, my mood is better. Not too sad.

flavorless

I have always been a picky eater, but I've never lost all enjoyment from food. Nothing tastes good anymore. I reach for water when I am thirsty and crackers (without salt, even) when I'm hungry. I don't understand how it's possible to not like chocolate cake, but I guess I don't understand a lot of things.

Sleeping less because I keep tossing and turning at night. Not tired. I dunno.

not okay

I have lost complete interest in anything and everything.

I just want to curl up into a ball and not exist anymore.

I just don't want anything.

i want some of my own

what if i was never really that girl to begin with?

what if this is what i really am? a sickening excuse for a failure without purpose or hope.

i remember standing up on stage alone

and i remember the attention and the praise and the smiles

the familliar faces in the sea of people

giving me confidence

where am i now?

backstage drowning

i remind myself of somebody else

what happened to the "old me?"

the smilinglaughinghappy me?

what a terrible waste.

i hang up awards and crowns

cut up pictures of old achievements

i don't know that girl anymore.

i don't know her.

"i don't know"

Funny how more and more often I find myself using that as a response.

Therapist appointment today. Talk boiled down to me being "too hard on myself" and being too concerned about what others expect from me.

My insecurities could eat me alive.

June begins

Complete lack of motivation today. Occasional intention to do... something, quickly replaced by an overwhelming apathy.

No sadness today. Medication regular. No migraines today or yesterday.

Nothing new.