Mar 31, 2010

I can't really do this "dating" thing again..

This new boy is sweet. Thoughtful, a tad shy, cute, a gentleman.

"Our love was,"
But even with my head resting on his broad shoulder, eyes on the the Rose Garden stage,
"comfortable and,"
ears listening to the voice of John Mayer as my lips & tongue formed the words to sing along,
"so broken in..."

--I knew that my heart was still in Alberta.

(his smile isn't as bright as the morning sun, his eyes don't speak volumes. he's not as clever and his hands don't give me courage and his arms don't give me strength. he walks too far ahead of me and he doesn't know what is and he never read much and he doesn't like his music loud and talks more than he listens and--oh, he's not you, love. he's just not you)

Friendly, a tad quirky, patient, well-dressed. This new boy is sweet.

But I miss want need love my boy.

"You & I -- we're gonna live forever."

Didn't get a chance to do my 750 yesterday or post anything. Oops. It was a busy day.
Concert was amazing, of course -- I would not expect anything else from John Mayer! He did my favorites (3x5s, Comfortable, Vultures, No Such Thing), the first two being part of his acoustic set, which, if he was being honest and I do believe he was, was something he did on a whim. His bass player was certainly confused, at least. Maybe everyone else was in on it but him? I don't know.
My date was a total gentleman, which is quite refreshing given most of the kinds of guys I have to deal with.
Stayed home today because I felt like shit when I woke up -- terrible headache, sore all over, completely exhausted. Since it's only the first week I should be fine... but I'm not gonna lie; I still feel a tad guilty.
My car window has been fixed and we're picking it up tomorrow morning before I go to class. I don't know that I'll ever feel comfortable parking at Cleveland (or anywhere, really) again, but luckily I have Fridays off and get the weekend to recover.
Looked more into buying an iPhone -- nothing cheers me up more than shopping! -- but thanks to the catastrophe spawned between AT&T and Apple, it really seems like a lot more hassle than it's worth. The current Chelcell's holding up still, but it's pretty obvious that she's biting the dust soon. My poor RAZR. :( I loved you and you served me well!

Mar 29, 2010


I parked at the Cleveland train station this morning when I went to class, came back around 4p when I was done and my the driver side window of my car was smashed in, my seat was soaked, glove compartment left open and my GPS missing. It had been pouring rain all day so just about everything on the driver's side was soaked. I was nearly in tears! I just don't understand why-- in the middle of the day in an area with a moderate amount of traffic at any given time, in addition to TriMet security? I just don't understand. The police were nice, I gave them my statement and got home okay... even though my pants were soaked and tiny shards of broken glass made their way through my jeans and cut up my fingers when I was cleaning them out of my car.
My parents were acting like it's somehow all my fault, and that's probably the worst part about it. I'm the victim here, I shouldn't have to defend myself! Meh. Jin and David pointed out that it could've been worse -- at least they didn't steal any personal information or the entire car. But that doesn't really make me feel much better. :(

Mar 28, 2010

"You've got my number, but I always knew the score—"

Another lazy Sunday! I took a nice long nap this afternoon, successfully wasting a bunch of time but feeling great. Haha.

Spring term for PSU starts tomorrow, which means I have classes in a couple hours. Sigh. Whatever! It won't be too bad. I only have two courses tomorrow (and every other day, for that matter) so it won't be too bad. I think I have a two-hour lunch break between the classes which might be kinda boring. My first class is way the fuck away from the main campus (it's not even on some of the campus maps..) so that gives me ample time to get to the next one, I guess. Lots of walking this term, I suppose. Whatever.

I got invited to see the John Mayer concert on Tuesday with a nice boy named Eric. Apparently not all people in the area have bad taste in music! I guess he really likes the stuff the John Mayer Trio did, which is pretty much the best stuff anyway. I snagged the blog title for today from "Who Did You Think I Was?" because that song is awesome.
I don't anticipate getting a lot of homework the first two days of class so it should be alright? I also have to see Hot Tub Time Machine (god i love that title..) with David and Kyle sometime this week. I'm pretty sure it's gonna be an awesome fucking movie.

Mar 27, 2010


 by Fred Chappell

The children race now here by the ivied fence,
gather squealing 
now there by the lily border.
The evening calms 
the quickened air , immense
and warm; its veil is 
pierced with fire . The order
of space discloses as 
pair by pair porch lights
carve shadows. 
Cool phosphors flare when dark
permits yearning 
to signal where , with spark
and pause and spark, 
the fireflies are , the sites
they spiral 
when they aspire , with carefree ardor
to embrace a star that draws them thence.

Like children 
we stand and stare , watching the field
that twinkles 
where gold wisps fare to the end
of dusk, 
as the sudden sphere , ivory shield
of moon stands clear of the world's far bend.
(750 stats)

Mar 26, 2010

i've got a bad liver & a broken heart

"So you back in school or is it still break?"

it's still break, classes start monday

"Any good plans this weekend? Not gonna go party it out?"

i kinda feel guilty doing that.. like whenever I think about Chris.

"Oh. Still miss him?"

probably too much.. sigh.

"Let me guess, you feel like you pushed him out?"

heh... i guess.
(but not down)

"I'm just making guesses here. But you probably regret, even if it's a little bit, having that conversation with him about the future?"

i dunno. i regret a lot of things about the relationship

"That's usually the case for most relationships that end... unless there was an enormous explosion at the end.
But I'm one to talk.. I'm having issues of my own with my girlfriend."

what's wrong?

"I dunno. she's just not as fun to be around any more. that sounds horrible but I dunno
when we're together I suddenly find myself being bored.. or unhappy."

(was that what it was like for Christopher?)
that's no good
(perhaps, then, it should've ended sooner..)

"Shes also going to school, so our time together is limited. We've been going out for 3-4 months... last weekend we had a talk about the future and things."

(three months? we would've gone three years without even touching the subject if he had his way..)

"It isn't that we don't want the same thing. The end is the same, it's the middle part that's different."

(i just wanted to be with him—)

"She wants to go to grad school in California,"

(—that's all i ever wanted)

"and I want to stay on the east coast, and try and get a high position job with the government. Personally, I don't like California..."

(—you're all i ever wanted)


"...couple of other things were different about what we wanted that could be worked out. But they could also be deal breakers if not... kids, where to live, if things don't go how we want, could we cope with it.. together"

well, at least you got to talk about it. i mean, even I didn't get him to tell me about his ex-girlfriends til a few months ago.


yeah... he was never much of a talker

"haha, I noticed. Though it's different between guys then it is a guy and girl. Was it what you expected?"

i dunno, i didn't really expect anything. which is probably why it went okay. i just listened...


...i was just curious

"My girlfriend asked about mine... it was kinda odd."

but i mean i kinda felt that like after well over a year that it was a fair question

"yeah. You guys talk at all? Or is he still ignoring you for the most part?"

once in a while I'll send him something from TFLN or he'll link me some nonsense from I-Am-Bored but that's about it

"So you're back to casual friends at best?"

i haven't really tried to strike up a conversation...
   (but oh do i want to every god damned day)
cause i wanted to give him space, you know?

"Yeah, I suppose. Good call."

i did work up the courage ask to talk, once... but he just said he was sleepy. so i kinda took the hint since then.

"I don't ask him about you anymore... not that it's any of my business."

he probably doesn't have much to say anyway.

"Yeah not really. Last night someone made a quip about 'calling his ex' during the raid... if I recall correctly it was sort of just a big sigh that came from his mic."

well that's kind of a dick thing to say
(how the hell did he even know about that? we didn't tell anyone)

"yeah, it's okay though we yelled the guy for being a moron."

haha... good

"I shoot the shit with him about his games. He seems to like to talk about his current games."

(just like a little boy—)
yup, sounds pretty typical.

"Supreme Commander 2 and some random D2 game. He's either in withdrawl or he is still a kid partly."

i'm gonna go with the latter.
(—but he was my boy)

"Well a few years makes a big difference."

(and i was his girl—)

"I mean... comparing a freshman to a senior is sort of similar."

(—i suppose that i still am)

"Similar but at the same time vastly different.
But in any case... he needs to grow up some."

(what a shame.)

"Here's to living in the moment -- cause it passed."

Filler post.

(750 stats)

Mar 25, 2010

"We've got this down to a science, baby—"


I'm pretty professional. Something in my Little Chelly Head convinced me that I had a chiro appointment today. I guess it was a slow day so they were able to fit me in today, though, since my shoulder was really bothering me. Dr. Sykes checked it out and did some adjustments -- apparently, uh... one of my ribs was stuck up by my shoulder area. Yeahhhh. I don't even know. But he fixed it and everything's all right.

In what scientists are now calling Really Fucking Awesome, I got an e-mail from Jin today about something he's been working on. Apparently, he'd caught a poem I plastered up here on a whim and turned it into a song. It wasn't until after the first few lines I furrowed my brow and thought, "heyyyyy, this sounds familiar." Like I said: I'm pretty professional. Anyway, I was certainly amazed. It could use more polishing (now I feel bad for leaving it unedited) to fit verses better, and if I wasn't still too impressed and surprised to do anything, I'd probably take a look at it and tweak some stuff.

I got my grades for the term -- three As and a B in American Poetry. Okay, so apparently this is the right major for me. I took a look at my academic schedule and I may be stuck for another damn year in order to fulfill my major requirements. I can't complain too much -- I mean, it's not like the economy's bustling with career opportunities at the moment -- but I'm kinda ready to just GTFO of college. :( Brit thinks I should move to Toronto to do this seven-week flight attendant training with her, but if I'm stuck here for another year I'm stuck here. We'll figure something out. We're awesome like that.

if today is a gift, just take it back

I'm pretty bad about forgetting things that I want to. I cling pretty strongly to memories, and I'm always hit with a pang of sadness when I can't remember some detail of one -- whether it was a good memory or not. They make excellent material for poetry and prose, so perhaps that stems from just being an artist. I consider myself, to quote Jami, a creature of the moment. But if I were to chose from the other two options, I find myself dwelling on the past much more than the future. And more often than not, it's detrimental to my current mood. Sure, there's some positive reminiscing, but inevitably I face the reality that it's gone. Forever.

Is that why it was so hard to handle a long-distance relationship? In that situation, you can't always live happily in the moment -- at any given moment you are, quite frankly, alone. The person whose very name you cherish and smile you revere like a miracle just for you... hundreds and hundreds of miles away. All you really have is remembering the past and looking forward to a future.


It's starting to make a lot more sense.

Focusing on life day by day stings when you do it alone. Facing a rough past only rubs salt into the open wound -- what else is a good boyfriend to do but steer their lover away from that? I am thankful and I still do not want to look back. But why'd he have to go and take my future, too?

"You are the reason I get up in the morning," he would always say, "you make everything worth it."

And so even though I didn't have blueprints and every attempt I ever made to inquire about anything beyond now was shot down instantly, I let myself believe that there was some sort of future, some sort of hope.

It was only a matter of time before I couldn't stand those empty fucking walls he put up every night to keep me away. Only a matter of time, darling. I remember that I could hear my chest give way at the words I knew -- oh Lord, I knew -- were coming.

"Just plan without me."

Selfish prick.
Selfish, selfish prick.

(why the hell did I defend you every time someone said "that's pretty harsh"?
he was stressed i just sprung it on him things have been hard it was sudden don't worry it was okay it is okay

No. It wasn't fucking okay.

"you just don't say that to someone you care about. and someone you say you love? i don't know, that's pretty cold.")

How could you be so insensitive?

I can accept that you can't commit any more than on a day-by-day basis. Honestly, I've known that about. I believe that I've been extremely patient in this even though it hurts and I've misinterpreted and internalized it (who am I kidding? I still think that at times). I know that one day you're overwhelmed with love and feel like you couldn't ever possibly express it, then the next day you're more interested in the television screen. I understand that's just who you are. I know you feel like you can't offer anything. But couldn't you reach out of your comfort zone a bit for me? Work with me? Give me a sign at least? Offer me any sort of reassurance? Offer me possibilities, no matter how ridiculous or no matter how vague and incomplete?
("it's gonna be okay, baby."

"what is?"

Just give me a sign? Remind me that all this waiting has not been in vain? Remind me that even though it's possible that a bus could strike and kill you that doesn't keep you from walking out the door every morning?
("no, that's not going to happen."

"but how do you know?"

"'cause i'm not gonna let it happen. i
love you too much to let it happen.")
Give me a sign? Tell me you're uncomfortable and need a little more time to think about it? Tell me you haven't been okay lately and hold my hand until this rough patch is over?
("don't worry. we're gonna get
through this. i promise.")

Just don't tell me you can't see anything -- even regardless of me, just see (or hope or wish for or want) anything in general -- beyond today. Don't be a coward, refusing to grow up. Quit running from what you're uncomfortable with. Man up. No one's asking for prophecy, honey. Instead of trying to get past this fear, instead of trying to work with the person to whom you've devoted the last two years of your life in order to get out of this rut you were both in, you put up the shovel and left her to dig her own grave.

All I ever wanted was a place in your life.

Mar 24, 2010

"NM U?"

Teehee. Fishie.

Not much today. Rollyn said hi from Hawaii. YEAH SCREW YOU TOO BUDDY. I joke -- I'm quite content sleeping in and doing whatever-the-hell I feel like whenever-the-hell I want.

Yoga routines are a lot easier now. I am so totally addicted.

Chiro appointment tomorrow, and not a day too soon -- my right shoulder's really been killing me. Apparently the yoga's been helping with my posture significantly and I've been doing all (okay.. most) of the stretches they recommended. I can't really complain, though-- what's it been, not even two months? That's hardly a dent compared to the ten years my spine's had to screw itself up. I might mention that the pain's starting to really really really---waking up in the middle of the night clutching my shoulder in pain while unable to fall back asleep, crying at the futility of my efforts to relieve the ache---really really bug me lately.

Mar 23, 2010

I'm only here to clip your wings—

I've decided that Breaking Benjamin has this weird thing for insects. "Lady bug" and "Firefly" are the particular tracks I adore and currently am thinking of. Then again, maybe it's ME that has a weird thing for insects, if I'm the one that made them my favorites... ...WHATEVER. IRRELEVANT.

Anyway, thinking about this today caused me to invoke some nineteenth-century American poetry. Yeah. That's the kind of stuff that goes on in my head. The poem "To a Mosquito," by Bryant, begins with an unusual "fair insect!" Unusual, that is, for the normal person; Bryant does this kinda crap all the time.

Even Emerson, certainly a more frank and gloomy poem, in his poem "The Humble-Bee," calls the creature "Wiser far than human seer / Yellow-breeched philosopher!" He admires how "ridiculous" the torturous wants and woes of life that grief humans are made as the bee slumbers.

Mar 22, 2010

Well, that's different.

Looking at my stats on 750 words today, I notice they're quite different than usual. My time orientation is usually the present, as opposed to the future. Sight is almost never my primary sense -- if not hearing, it's touch and that is rare in itself. I'm typically feeling mostly affectionate or self-expressive, with the other emotions far behind. To be honest, I couldn't tell you if this was all good or bad.

"Le Petit Prince"

You could never be my seagull, could you?

(I am your rose and I am your sunset and I am your king,
I am your sheep, I am your lamplighter, I am your pilot
I am your fox, your snake, your star)

I will settle for the color of the wheat fields.

Mar 21, 2010

Lazy Sunday

So we just finished watching "Moon," our latest NetFlix DVD. It... was weird. I really don't have much else to say about it! It was sad, I suppose. I can't say that I'd recommend it to anyone, but I don't feel like I've wasted my time or anything. Besides, people always tell me I need to see more movies. For someone who worked at a movie store for the better part of a year, I really haven't seen much. I used my free rentals on games most of the time. So uh... I could tell you more about games I suppose. What can I say? I'm a gamer.
My 750words stats today are kinda weird to me, but certainly not far from my norm. I blame it on watching Moon while I was writing it. I can't really disagree with the diagnosis though, I suppose.

I did a beginner-level balance yoga routine earlier today -- that wasn't quite graceful as the lady in the videos. I literally fell over a couple times because I'm just that lame. :( I got through it, though, and I imagine it'll be easier after a few days. ...Lord I hope so, at least.

Mar 20, 2010

Hey, Jude

Saw Repo Men with David tonight. Jude Law is so cute. Forest Whitaker is in it as well, although I can't take him seriously anymore because I keep thinking about the skit they did on Whitest Kids U' Know. That skit is also, by the way, the reason searching "whitest kids" on NetFlix brings you his actor page as a result. Go ahead, try it. It's hilarious.

Started doing yoga today I got this application for my iPod that they were talking about on the news. Just a short 12-min routine to help develop flexibility (for beginners, of course -- I wasn't feeling particularly ambitious this morning) and learned some of the basic poses after watching the introductory videos. It felt great doing the ones that required stretching your back/spine -- I'm pretty sure Dr. Ramsey would approve. I'll probably mention it when I go in on Monday in case he has any advice or something. If you've ever been around me for any good amount of time you are aware of how ditzy I am, but I managed to go through all the poses (albeit a bit shakily) and finish the routine. I was quite proud of myself, hehe. I thought about doing the balance routine, but I didn't want to ruin my confidence by falling over just yet.

From my daily rant on 750Words...

I remember he told me once, "you're attracted to someone for their good qualities, but you fall in love with their faults."

I was wallowing in self-loathing and pity, criticizing myself for everything I could possibly think of, feeling absolutely miserable. I told him I was scared-- no, terrified-- of him being repulsed by these things the stupid boys in my past listed while they yelled and screamed and I cried and cried.

"I love that you disown me because I don't know the title of a Queens of the Stone Age album," he went on, "because that's what makes you you. I love that you have a potty mouth. I love everything about you: good and bad."

Oh, my darling -- and I love everything about you. Good and bad.

And, hell-- the bads are still good anyway.

I will love you forever.

I will love you always.

I will love you either way.


Mar 19, 2010

no entry

Mar 18, 2010

I write bad poetry.

"what a pretty little thing," they crooned,
paraded around as a trophy,
perfect grades perfect posture
so obedient, so eager to please,
perfect student perfect daughter,
"pretty little thing."

"such a pretty little thing," they mumbled,
watching her flatten the creases in her skirt
in an effort to ignore the leering eyes and
dirty sidewalk, the feeling of alienation among
beggars and drunkards was a little too close to
the feeling with anyone else now—,
"pretty little thing."

"such a pretty little thing," they remarked,
unaware of how utterly dead she felt inside and
how difficult it was just to hold her head up,
as they returned her fake plastic smile
before she turned and walked away,
"pretty little thing."

failing courses
falling health
a burden, a

-unsteady &
she was certainly
not so pretty on the inside.

"what a pretty little thing," they sighed,

(your burden, your burden)

"what a shame."


Nothing much.

Today was a rather productive day... particularly considering the fact that it's pretty much spring break for me now and I therefore have the right to sleep in past noon.

Taking stuff out of the dryer earlier, I wasn't going to clean the little lint thing... but when I looked at it, all the fuzz was pink. That's a pretty tell-tale sign right there for my guiltiness.

Mar 17, 2010


"Today is wonderful for surrounding yourself with those you love the most, Libra. Host a get-together with family and friends, full of stimulating conversation and delicious food and drink. However, you might at some point feel a little sad, missing someone who should be with you but isn't, and speculating about what he or she may be doing. Concentrate on those there with you. You're surrounded by love and are likely to remain so."

Mar 16, 2010

Damon and Dreams

Saw Green Zone with David. Mmmm Matt Damon.

RANDOM: Cleaning my room, I found this book when I was younger that had all these questions and the author would give you answers. A lot of them were questions I wouldn't have even thought of. One was something like, "if people didn't have dreams, would they go crazy?" I remember reading that and my eyes widening in horror -- was that POSSIBLE? Goodness gracious, I hope I dream every night. I'm so weird.
(750 stats)

well, damn

You are still the first person I want to tell when I read something funny or get upset over something or find something wonderful.

Yours is still the name on my lips as I fall asleep.
Yours is still the face I look for when I wake.

And though it is torturous,
missing you so, I can't forget you.
I can't forget you.

Mar 15, 2010

I love libraries!

Apparently I'm one of the dozen finalists for this Library Tech position at PSU that they're doing interviews for next week. I kinda wish I'd spent more time on my resume. I'm pretty excited though, and that'd be really awesome to get the position. How nerdy is it to be excited for a job at the library? Very.

(750 stats)

Mar 14, 2010

750 Words

So at Jin's suggestion -- more like a direction, but HEY whatever -- I started this 750 Words thing. Basically, you sit and you write 3 pages worth of... stuff. No rules. The idea is that you get all the crap on your mind out. Then you're either relieved or inspired or reflective or whatever you are. The hard part is sticking with it every day. But I've been doing well so far. The guy who runs the site says that it's different from a blog because it's really personal and not necessarily coherent for a reader. My favorite part of the site, however, is the statistics page for each day that you have the option to share (which, of course, I did) -- and review whenever.

This means that while my 750 words may be a mess of unrelated thoughts, I can still share a summary of my day. They use some "Regressive Imagery Dictionary" and "Linguistic Inquiry and Word Count system" to determine the stats. As nothing is ever perfect, it's bound to be a bit off, but from what I've seen does a good job of evaluating things.

The TL;DR version is that I'm posting weird stat pages, and will edit the blogs for the last couple days to include the links to those, too.

"Guard your heart, okay?"

It's ironic, isn't it?

My Christmas present. The last present he gave to me.

"I saw it at the mall," he said, "it just screamed 'Chel.'"

It was a silver pendant to go on the chain of the necklace he gave me for my birthday two years ago. A little heart, no bigger than my thumb with a little piece missing -- the same shape as the tiny key attached on the same ring.

"THE KEY THAT FITS," the tiny heart read, "UNLOCKS MY HEART."

I loved it. Immediately put it on and haven't taken it off since. "Awww," is always the first reaction when people see it.

But back then I wasn't doing well. I was constantly in physical pain because of my neck and getting a bit of cabin fever staying with him in Canada. I don't know what I expected, and I don't know why several times I wanted to just go home. maybe it was because I missed my family, maybe it was the stress, maybe I just had too big of plans for Christmas and New Years. I don't know. Too high of hopes.
" i want you here by my side
and dreams of holidays to come "

"Wait," I said, turning to him once while we lay on the couch watching TV. I held the pendant between my fingers and asked, "doesn't this imply that you don't have the key to my heart? Like my heart is still locked and I'm holding on to the key to give to someone? Shouldn't you be the one with this?"

"Well... if you want to take it that way," he simply said to me. I frowned for a moment but eventually just shrugged it off.

And then it came to me one day. Now that you are gone.

(i had to curl up into a ball on my bed&sob into my blankets--Lord,why why why can't i stop thinking)

The silver necklace my aunt had given me five years ago had a heart on it as well. It was a Christmas present, too, and I thought it was just the prettiest little thing. I needed jewelry that wasn't from Mitchell. So I wore it all the time. Never took it off. It became symbolic -- some wear their hearts on their sleeves? I wore mine around my neck.

"Guard your heart," my friends and family would tell me. I would touch the pendant and laugh. I was in control of my heart, then. No more violently jealous, lying, overprotective, cheating boy in my life. I was happy.

I fell far too fast for the wrong boy shortly after. I think I just wanted someone completely opposite of my ex-fiance. I gave him my heart within, quite literally, days. He liked it a lot. But jealousy paired with immaturity and a temper was a lot like when it was paired with lying and being controlling. He would yell and he would scream and he would throw things and he would hit----

..they found me lying in the closet staring blankly. i wasn't speaking.. ..i told him to keep the necklace after we broke up. i was just a mess. i didn't think i could possibly love again. not after a horrible ending to a four-year relationship and this six-month crash and burn. it hurt too much. not after being told i wasn't wanted anymore and that i was just too much and that i was too emotional and that i wasn't loved anymore.

But then who was there for me late at night when i was scared and needed someone to talk to? who kept himself awake at three in the morning with reruns of House so i would not be alone? who was there and always -- always -- offered to be there if i needed help? who believed in me when i literally wanted to kill myself? i had given up hope and lost all purpose? "you're better than that," i remember he said to me. and somehow i trusted him enough for that to convince me. huh.

"i failed you," he said half-jokingly one day when he'd just read my messages from the night before. the fact that he wanted to be there was sweet enough. i said he wasn't responsible for me -- i didn't expect anything, really.

funny how two years afterwards i would expect him to bring me the moon, and be so insecure that i start to doubt him? it wasn't fair, and it wasn't right. what was i, some sort of selfish heartless bitch?
i couldn't just be grateful for how little it took for him to be content. how much he could take, bend and never, ever break. how infinitely long he'd wait -- why would he steal the key for himself? he'd be invited in when the time was right.

"don't break it?"
"break what?"
"my heart."
"oh... that doesn't sound like me.
that doesn't sound like me at all."

His Christmas card from the year before is part of the collage in a frame next to my bed. “I love you with all of my heart and wish you only the best in life,” ends his handwritten message on it. Selfless, patient, trusting.

It's ironic, isn't it?

That the one boy who deserves the world -- the boy that deserves my heart, my soul, my trust, my patience, my love -- is the one who gave me my heart back.
In return, I demanded more and tried to shut him out.

(I'm sorry.
I'm so,so sorry.)

Mar 13, 2010

you get what you deserve.

A thousand words , a thousand more —
tell me, is writing this even helping me?
or  is it merely DRAGGING out all these
emotions from me at the most arduous
time possible  to make my life difficult?
is it because i'm actually going to finish
a spring term for the first time in years&
eat&can sleep&—ah—am I not worthy?

what is my penance, then?
you get what you deserve.

is it because i don't already hurt e-goddamn-nough?

what is my penance, Lord?
(why do we like to HURTso much?)
—i burned every bridge i ever built while you were here.)
what is my penance?

you get what you deserve.

mamma sang
"and i DON'T mind if
it ' s  ME  you need to
turn to; we'll get by--"

mamma sang
"someone's waiting to love you."

you get what you deserve.

long day.

Blogs on iPod to upload tomorrow/today/whateverthehelltimeitis.

k? k.

Mar 12, 2010

A couple updates, totally unrelated

I love love love Breaking Benjamin's "Shallow Bay." I couldn't tell you precisely why -- on closer examination of the lyrics, I really don't get anything that stands out. But I'm pretty much addicted. I mean I guess I love Breaking Benjamin altogether, and I'm dying to see them in concert when they hit Portland in May. apparently Thomas might come to this coast to see them as well! How exciting. I'd be rather upset if I ended up not going (like the last John Mayer concert :( damn it, Jason) because I have no one to go with. Let's hope it's not really fucking awkward. I'm sure it'll be fine?

Cree and Richard are overly thankful, I think, for the extra bit of work I did for the Final Round in the tournament for Survey of Engish Lit. I mean, I did spend a lot of time on this round, but I kinda feel like I've been doing the least out of the three of us on the team to begin with. I suppose it doesn't seem that way to them? I don't know, it just seems too easy. I'm pretty confident we can win. And even if we don't, I still get an A and that's damn good enough for me.

I wrote some BS poem on this blog in like fifteen minutes. I'm not really pleased with it -- it definitely needs work, but I think it sort of conveys what I want it to. That being... a combination of thoughts and longings I'd been having throughout the day (and, really, the week/month...) in a short series of questions. I'd been thinking of various songs/prose along with -- as per usual -- the boy. "& did you know that youwerebeyondmydreaming?" from Jami, " opened your eyes, did you realize that you would be my savior? ...breath that left your lips, did you know that it would change [my] world forever?" from Relient K. Anyway, I don't intend to go back and rewrite it anymore.

I got new clothes today and I'm quite pleased with myself. I even got socks. Yeah. Take THAT, frostbite. I really need to reorganize my closet sometime. I keep meaning to buy better containers for my undies and socks and junk, but I never get around to it. I'd like a uniform set of hangers, as well. Just an OCD thing, mostly... but it would make hanging up my clothes after doing laundry much easier, meaning I'd be more likely to do it.

Crap. I was going to exercise today. FML. I'll do that after I finish writing and putting away my clothes. The due date for my ENG 300 paper got pushed to the 19th, so i'm not too concerned about that. I still have my poetry final paper due on the 15th... I'm not really looking forward to doing, but it really should be easier than I'm making it seem in my head.

Doodles on a notebook.

————————————i miss you, love. i miss you so very much.

you were / are / will always be my everything.

i love you i really really do

Mar 11, 2010

terrible form. to rewrite another time.

did you know,

my dear,
that not one of those giant stars,
fusing elements together as they pulsate in the night sky
could possibly compare to the light in your eyes?
(oh make the constellations ours--)

and my darling,
do you see not see
the love behind mine
in your company?

and did you know that you would save
this poor girl's sanity and hope
it's the patience that you have
that makes me love you so--

it is the comfort,
it's your support

the understanding
that lies
on your sweet smiling

face, my sweetheart.

did you know
that you were everything that I ever dreamed of?
how could I sufficiently show
all you have given me, my love?

& baby do you not see?
there is no art that I could ever learn
no unique medium meant for me

to love you
in return.

Mar 10, 2010

Rainy day

Grouchy today. People are just irritating. I don't know why I have such little patience today. I'm like, not even bleeding this week. What the heck.

Got my homework done early. I deserve a nap. That is all.

Mar 9, 2010


Danielle and Tony got engaged yesterday (yes, again) and this time around things seem much more solid than when he first proposed when they hardly knew each other. They both have gone through a lot since they split, and have been back together for a while. I'm trying to look to her experiences as hope -- staying strong through love and loss all on her own in another state. I don't think I could ever do that... I'd break down way too fast. I mean, just look at my year at Linfield.

"Everything's okay in the end," Brigit told me once, "If everything's not okay, it's not the end."

It's difficult, not having close friends nearby. Back in high school, I saw Mitchell every day and just a few class periods seemed like forever without friends. And yet now, my dearest friends are many miles away and the love of my life is behind the western mountain range.

I suppose it's not the end, is it?

"Speed dating? Is that like dating on Meth?"

Last night they finally showed a new episode of House, which is one of the only TV shows I actually follow. They'd been airing reruns for the past month or so during the Olympics (maybe the figured they couldn't compete? That didn't stop them from showing new episodes of 24, though...) It was great! House, Chase, and Wilson went speed dating.. LOL. That chick who plays Donna on That 70s Show guest starred, which is always weird because I have a tendency to see everything in a single continuity when it comes to movies and TV.


Similarly, I think I would've enjoyed Desperate Measures if I wasn't expecting George of the Jungle and Indiana Jones to pull out whips and start beating up bad guys the entire time.

Anyway, my neck's been giving me a hard time which makes it really hard to read books or fall asleep. It even stings when I turn my head to check my blind spot too fast while driving. :( FML. Still seeing the chiropractor three times a week... here's hoping I get to some tolerable level by finals next week.

Gotta go get ready for class -- it's my Monday today, sighhhh.

Mar 8, 2010

Aww, crap.

So I just got back from the chiropractor. We did some scans again and apparently I'm still pretty fucked up. Remember that gigantic black bar of temp difference from my last results? Well, apparently now I have two of those, one on each side. Granted, now they are only about a 4-5 degree difference instead of 12 like before... but that's still way above red, which is only 3 degrees. I guess the right side of my body is way overactive/overworked -- which would explain why it always hurts :(

Mar 7, 2010


I love Count Duckula.

Got the first two seasons (out of four) and started right from the beginning, catching a few episodes last night. Danny is the one who introduced me to the show via a video of the opening theme song. It's pretty fucking awesome.

Apparently it's a spin-off from Danger Mouse. Both shows were on Nickelodeon before my brother was born (~1992) but I never watched either. The characters in Danger Mouse look very familiar, so I may have seen an episode or two of that -- but we didn't have Nickelodeon at my house, so it had to have been somewhere else.

Duckula: "ENOUGH! I can't stand this anymore!"
Youbee: "Of course you can't stand, we strapped you to the sacrificial altar."

Duckula: "A roller coaster ride! We must have a go on that, Igor!"
Igor: "I think I'd rather have my head removed from my body, sir."
Duckula: "That's the trouble with you, Igor. It's always self, self, self. Why don't you think of others for a change? Now if I say we go on the roller coaster, we go on the roller coaster. You too, Nanny."
Nanny: "Oh, no.. I- I think I'll stay here and watch Mr. Igor take his head off."

Igor: "The Duckulas have always found a warm welcome in Spain, sir, at your cousin Don Diego's."
Duckula: "Oh, a warm welcome! A friendly kind of guy, huh?"
Igor: "No sir. A pyromaniac."
Nanny: "Oh he's NOTHING of the sort, Mr. Igor! Just likes setting fire to things."


I read once, a long time ago, about a study whose analysis suggested that people with blonde hair and blue eyes are instinctively attracted to those with the same characteristics -- the idea being to preserve this recessive trait for their offspring, essentially extending the desire to carry on their lineage unchanged.

This certainly had an effect on how I felt about the various hair colors. I don't know that the same theory holds for red heads/brunettes, but I've dated both, and just judging from the famous men I adore (albeit mostly for talent/overall looks than for hair color) I say that I prefer dark hair.

The truth of the matter, however, is that I'm terrified of being the opposite of what someone I love's instinctive desire is. I don't care if it's science or if it's society or psychology or if it's flat out personal preference. What am I supposed to feel, when you put blondes up on a pedestal, but the undesired last place?

I didn't know you hair was blonde. I never understood the concept of gradual darkening or changing alongside seasons. I tried to forget the former when you answered "blue/green" as your eye color, and took a great comfort in the fact that I could see the green. Green is my favorite eye color. Is it because I know I'm out of the leagues of those with blue or that I hate my own dull irises?

Forgive me.

I'm sorry that I don't have the shining blue eyes or sun-colored hair that you love so much. I'm sorry that, no matter how many years I have spent and could possibly ever spend wishing I was pretty will never make me what you want. I'm sorry that I can only ever hope to be "good enough" for your tastes. I don't want you to have to settle for less.

I'm sorry that I can't have eyes like the sky and that when you look into them all you can see is the color of the dirt under your feet. I'm sorry that all the color of my hair will ever remind you of is the dead of the darkest night.

I'm sorry that I can't be what you want me to be and that now you feel no need to excuse your preferences and yet even when you did, it was so hard to believe you because oh god I knew. I knew. I knew.

I'm sorry for getting upset with you back then when it came up. What was the point? I knew. I knew. There's no point in pretending. There's no blindfold. Nothing disguised this truth in front of me other than my own vain wishes.

Forgive me.

I open my eyes like the dirt and finally see.

Mar 5, 2010


Sometimes, without any sort of perceivable provocation at all, I get the feeling that there is just no point.

The emptiness of human existence and the disdain the universe has for us, perfectly imperfect creatures so connected to one another and yet so completely isolated.

Why do I care?
What am I doing here?
Why am I doing anything?
What's my purpose?
Where am I heading towards?

Questions, uncertainties,
my mind reels while my heart sinks
& I lose hope & I lose motivation
& I lose faith & I lose aspiration

But then I take several deep breaths,
think of dear Christopher's philosophy
and say to myself, (my brain my lungs my arms my ears eyes fingertips)

"I'll just make it up as I go."


It was a beautiful day out! I had to pick up the sibling unit from his institution of education, but I don't mind driving when the weather is so pleasant.

Had another chiropractor appointment this morning, scheduled to be rescanned to see my progress. The Dr. says everything's been going well and I've been good about stretching the way they recommended. Parents are irritated about the cost, but very happy about the results so far. I've applied to about a dozen jobs without a bite, though, so I'm not getting any blame.

I contemplated washing my car, but it seems that a few houses down across the street have had a swarm of adolescent boys that aren't particularly shy lately, with the sunny weather. It makes me laugh, then creeps me out because pedo or cougar come up in my head and I kinda just want to gtfo of there. I dodge whistles and comments, deciding that I wasn't going to fulfill any little boy's fantasy and my car wasn't that dirty.

Saw Brooklyn's Finest with Kyle and David... not bad, but the plot was pretty predictable and less than what I expected with such an epic cast of actors. Rollyn's need to educate me in film got me critiquing the way the movie was shot -- Antoine Fuqua was the director, and I think he did an excellent job in that respect. Apparently he also did Shooter whose plot was only made up for by the great shooting (ha! get it!? pun...) and the fact that Mark Wahlberg is just awesome. Went to some cute little drive-in afterwards and had ice cream. Om nom nom.

Great way to kick off the weekend. Little homework this weekend -- just a paper due Sunday and some reading. Wonderful!

Mar 2, 2010

Weather, misc

So apparently this March is going to be ~10 degrees colder than last year. LAME. I wore my blue dress today and the clouds were like I HATE YOU SO MUCH I'M GONNA CRY. It was not fun.

I've also come to the conclusion that the reason I seem to stand colder temperatures more easily than others is the fact that my parents don't heat our house. I don't know the exact physics of it, but somehow this causes the temperature outdoors to actually be slightly warmer than inside my house. Spending 17 years here and having to function while worrying about frostbite, I think my body's adapted a bit. I deny any exaggeration in this paragraph.

My latest obsession is screwing around with apps for my iPod Touch. New favorites: HippoRemote, iGoat, Level Me Up!