Confession

As much as I was excited for the 2010 Winter Olympics, I avoided watching it a lot. Something about the whole event just depresses me. It's as if everything about the games serves as a sad reminder of how I'm not up north.

On the land the media covered for weeks, that country hosting some of the world's greatest athletes, I left my heart along with my strength and security and inspiration and dreams.

Each time they played the Canadian anthem I remembered shifting uncomfortably whenever we were asked to stand and sing in Alberta.

"crap! I don't know the words!"

I remember looking helplessly up at him with hand over heart trying to mumble words I did not know, feeling terribly out of place. He would look back and smile at me, continuing to sing every word with pride.



Did you know, darling?
Did you know about the light you give off when you're proud?
And how fast the spark jumps when you stand not just for etiquette but for something you're sure of, something you believe in and defend and trust?
Here right next to you, how could I not want to share in the moment? And yet, it's yours and I would never want to impede. I'm more than content to just be beside you and try to follow along.

"Love does not consist of gazing at each other," Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, author of The Little Prince, has explained, "but in looking outward together in the same direction."

Did you have to look away?
How long did I try in
vain to sing along with
your secret silent song?

Did you know, darling?
Did you know about the (lack of) words I heard from you?
I --hopeyoudidntcrossyourheartforthat too--
am left reading measures you never bothered to pen

and I would still sing if I could do it
loud enough so that you would finally
--justmaybeevenpossibly-- hear me
but how long could I hold that note til my

lungs finally burst?

"I've got a bad liver and a broken heart,"

sin &
chocolate chip pancakes
and rosary beads that are the
same color as the nail polish on her
fingers as they sit wrapped around the neck
of a half-empty bottle she lifts from
the counter to her lips for

a long,

           slow

                   drink.

she could almost see her reflection on
an uncovered side of the now-empty
bottle she set down, licking her lips and
remembering his.
                         " another one, please. "

this sound, this scent, it all belongs to you,
my darling, but now you'll only taste like
chocolate chip pancakes
& sin

The most amazing thing

that I have ever seen in my entire life.

World's Largest Gummy Bear.

February, are you over yet?

Things are, as Dickinson would put it, "adequate." I have no major complaints.

Christopher's birthday, the "anniversary" of both the beginning and inevitable end the four-year-long relationship with Mitchell in highschool, my first Valentine's day alone in almost a decade, the first academically successful February in years.

Hanging in there, I suppose. Should be able to graduate within a year. I must admit that the uncertainty of life after college makes me want to prolong it for another term or two. I wouldn't mind a minor in biology as well.

Applied for a few jobs two weeks ago, don't seem to have any bites.

Out of this world?

I recently discovered the joys of audiobooks and have been pretty addicted ever since. Thomas hooked me up with a Demonoid account invite so I've been downloading at whim! The latest one I listened to was Dr John Gray's Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. As with all relationship advice, in my opinion, you have to take some of it with a grain of salt. (there has been speculaton about his credentials, actually, as well.) I mean... really? Men and women are from Earth. Nevertheless, it's a useful metaphor. Men and women ARE very different. A man and woman in any given situation, and if you monitor their brains you'll typically see completely different locations with high brain activity. Not to mention the huge weight societies place on gender distinctions!
Anyway, it was very interesting. I certainly would not swear by it (I take this same approach with stuff in Cosmo sex/relationship advice as well) but he made a lot of good points that are worth keeping in mind. Plus, I think his voice is just adorable, hahaha.

Layout-y goodness

In the process of revamping the layouts of my blogs, as you can see. Started last night and I think I'm happy with it so far! Not finished yet, but I sort of ran out of time and had to do that whole... sleeping thing. Whatever.

I also have some blogs on my iPod that haven't been uploaded yet... I'll get around to it. Eventually.

Gotta get ready for class.

"maybe a little too much empathy.."

Sitting, staring out the window I spot a half-eaten red lollipop laying beside the train track in the gravel.
immediately I imagine how it came to be there -- did the mother, who let her child pick out one treat as they were grocery shopping, ignore his cries as she took his and and ran to board the departing train?
did he look back longingly at the piece of candy (of course he picked red, mama, cherry was his favorite, you know) he'd dropped as they ran to the closing doors? did the mother console the poor child, promising her baby they'd buy him another, or did she (irritated or weary from carrying the shopping bags, as well as those under her tired eyes) let him cry? or did, perhaps, the child understand what had happened and trusted his mother's judgement? did he blame himself as he looked up at her quietly while she gazed out the window with an empty look on her face?
perhaps it wasn't a child, just someone who, quickly tiring of the cherry flavor (he thought it was raspberry, it looked like it might be raspberry) tossed the lollipop on the ground for the ants?
caught up in all these possibilities of human perception I find myself constantly trying on other people's shoes, so to speak. it's instinctive and it's easy and it's always interesting.

man, I'm totally weird.

suppose / Life is an old man carrying flowers on his head.

young death sits in a cafe
smiling, a pierce of money held between
his thumb and first finger

So it still has a ways to go, but I've coded webby in Notepad because I'm a stubborn girl. Using work by E.E. Cummings at the moment. Considering keeping it, almost. I love that man.

there is a lady, whose name is Afterwards

she is sitting beside young death, is slender;

likes flowers.

Chiro scans

So like I said I was going to post last week, here are my chiropractic scans.

To recap--

"White is within normal range," the doctor said, "green is mild, blue's a bit of a problem, and red is severe."

"What's that huge black one up there?"

"That's... well, we don't actually have a word for that."

"...ohh."

"That would be beyond severe."

Anyway, for the top left graph, they took the temperature (F) of all the muscles around my spine, and the bars represent how many degrees from my normal body temp they are in each area -- hotter temperature means more muscle contractions, which, resting in a sitting position, shouldn't really be happening. So what we see is what muscles are working constantly. The ones in my neck are way overworked. The doctor said the lower left back muscles are probably trying to compensate what's going on on the upper right side of my body.

The bottom left graph measured my back's symmetry -- or lack thereof, I suppose. You can tell which side I carry my bag on pretty easily. Top right I didn't understand at all... and the bottom right is just an overall summary, basically saying "you're pretty fucked up, but still within fixable range."

A year ago

LOCKEDMessage 11
From: Chris Arisman (403) xxx-xxxx

Boarding now, i love you
more than you know

9:02pm 2/18/09

Lent -- Giving up Facebook!

My mamma reminded me it's Ash Wednesday. That means it's the beginning of the Lenten for Roman Catholics. So the most typical means of practicing Lent now is giving up something for 40 days and 40 nights (although it's technically 46 for us) that you've had as a luxury or fulfilling some other sort of sin. Some people give up sex (Josh Hartnett, teehee) or desserts or drinking or coffee -- the idea is that it's some sort of sacrifice.

So I thought about it.

Surely the sin that I am most guilty of is Sloth. Hours and hours every day wasted curled up in bed on Facebook with my iPod, essays that took twice as long to write with Facebook in a tab? The games -- I must confess that I only play them because I'm better than most people at them. Ah, Pride.

So, yes it is true. I'm giving up Facebook, and I will survive all the way to Easter!

My parents don't want me fasting because of my history with anorexia, so I figured I could at least make this significant. Wish me luck, eh?

Happy Presidents Day?

Have trouble remembering the 40-odd United States Presidents? Well, you're in luck -- a handy dandy rap to help you memorize them all!



It's just... so awesome.

Chiropractic care.. finally.

So I finally went to see the chiropractor. I was a bit nervous, but they spent a lot of time talking to me and answering any questions I had to calm me down. Adjustments aren't nearly as bad as I'd pictured them -- they sound terrible when the joints pop, but it's helped a lot.

They did these scans the first day -- taking my vitals, measuring temperature and range of moment and such? So afterwards they gave me these charts showing muscle spasms and other deviations from "normal" backs. I'll scan these later.

"White is normal," the doctor said, "green is mild, blue's a bit of a problem, and red is severe."

"What's that huge black one up there?" (around c1-c5)

"That's... well, we don't actually have a word for that."

"...ohh."

"That would be beyond severe."

X-Rays showed mild scoliosis and my neck needs to be recurved since it doesn't seem to be supporting my head... yeahhh. Pretty messed up. The doctor pointed out that the really really bad parts are around c1 and c2, which is like.. known to fuck shit up in the brain when it interferes with the nervous system, centered in said spine. Headaches, dizziness, anxiety etc.

"Usually people start to see changes in a lot of other areas of the body," Dr. Ramsey said. "Everything is controlled and regulated by the nervous system... so if we fix what's going on around there, it's almost as if we reboot the computer and things go back to functioning the way they were meant to."

So my mom (who was there with me) was all for getting treatment, despite having to cover it without any aid from insurance. My dad was a bit irritated when he saw the projected bill. Eh. He wants me to get a job and take care of it myself. Hopefully I'll get some bites on my resume off PSU's career system thingie.

Anyway, sleeping better and not constantly in pain -- worth every penny to me.

Meds, Chiro, Hope

Dr. Ramsey, my chiropractor as of two days ago, took note of the medications I was taking while he looked at my health history.

"Depression? Anxiety? It's not uncommon for these areas to improve with proper chiropractic care."

Although I've only had the pain for a few months now, he said that it looks as though the problem has been there for maybe ten years--

funny how the anorexia seemed to surface just around 13. huh.

--but that they could definitely help.

According to my scans, there are a few key areas that are far beyond severe, so it's entirely possible that these conditions are related in some manner at least.

We'll see?

Content

Smile, love.

You're a part of the universe!

No less than the stars or the trees or the birds or the waters.

You have a right to be here -- now, what will you make of it?

You're kidding me, right?

I intended to continue discussion on the topic of Valentine's day and love without any particular lover, but I'm afraid my previous one has left me livid today and I've been just busy overall.

Despite this, I concur with my previous post.

Love doesn't suck. People do on occasion, but the anger will pass (at least it always does for me) and I will redirect my love. This does not mean I somehow retract what I've already given to anyone-- only that no more will come their way. I remember reading from a book way back in middle school something along the lines of "You can only hate strongly if you've loved strongly. Love and hate are one in the same." I really don't feel like I can comment any further on it since I have such a vague recollection of the context it was in and the exact words. But it's definitely something that stuck in my mind.

Anyway-- I'm going to try to get to bed at a somewhat-reasonable time. I know people always say "don't go to bed angry!"  but the truth of the matter is that emotion clouds judgement and there is no better mediator than time.

"S.A.D." is still B.S.

So this is going to be the first Valentine's day in nine years I'm single for. I must admit, it's pretty weird. It's always been my favorite holiday, even when I was little. I have no idea what I'm going to do then, but it's my daddy's birthday so we're going out to brunch the day before (he works Sunday) and stuff.

I've always heard people labeling Valentine's day as "Singles Awareness Day," aka "SAD." I used to roll my eyes but I figured I just didn't understand it since I've always had a boyfriend.

And yet, I'm not panicking or seeing this as a depressing holiday. More on this later -- my head feels funny haha.

"my insecurities could eat me alive"

Can you imagine a girl in her early 20s, healthy and able, perfect posture, long lashes around big brown eyes, thin frame, killer legs from which her little feet in designer shoes push the pedal of the car Daddy bought her through the floor as she drives to the university to attain the level of education most people in the world can only dream of
...tried twice to kill herself?

Would you believe this class valedictorian prom queen orientation leader volunteer band manager newspaper editor-in-chief
...went through puberty later than expected because she deprived herself of food to the point of hospitalization dangerously underweight because she felt like eating was the only thing she had any control over?

Could you see her as a child, with the same wish on every star in the sky and coin in a well and candles on her birthday cake? She never asked for a bicycle or a puppy or a new dress.

"i wish i was pretty," she would think to herself.



She didn't want toys -- she wanted love. And if only she were pretty enough, they'd all love her and never leave her alone.

Did you ever find the elementary yearbook where she cut her own picture out of it?
Did you notice how quickly she learned the lyrics to Jimmy Soul's song "If You Want To Be Happy" because he would sing "don't make a pretty woman your wife?" And that somehow gave her reassurance that she wouldn't be unwanted?
Did you watch how she internalized every single scolding and never forgot anything she ever did wrong?
(i was scolded for sliding a book across the floor in pre-school. my kindergarten teacher was testing my reading ability with flashcards, and "try" as "tray." scolded when my 2nd grade teacher was not pleased that i'd picked out all the crayons that were not pink out of the box our desks nearest to me and filled it with ones that were. and on and on and on.)






No, I suppose you could not.


But surely it would help explain her inability to accept compliments and avoidance of any and all criticism. The unusually heavy weight at which she values other people's opinions. Why she insists she's a whore or a bitch or a brat or a horrible person. Or her answer to "what is your biggest fear?" Or the hatred with which she eyes herself in the mirror, so spiteful that she needs to look away or leave the room when she brushes her teeth.

Oh doll, you're so broken.
So very broken.

Rock Band on Xbox Live!

Excuse me. I have faces to rock.

No time for this "blogging" nonsense!

Boys

I realize I have very little experience in the department, but I have trouble flirting with or noticing guys. I mean, after almost a decade of always being "taken," it's just habit to see every other guy in a platonic way or just ignore them completely.

And I think perhaps I just know what I like? I mean, the kind of guy I fall in love with is far too shy to approach a stranger out. I've always been the one to make the first move. ("Hi." "Hi?" "I like you.") Partially because of the aforementioned idea, but also to demonstrate that I don't play games like that; I'm honest and straightforward so I trust other people to try to be as well. That's just something really important to me. If for some reason they're flaky or inconsistent in reciprocity, then they're no good for me. I know what I want.

Hmm. I guess it's not a problem anyway!

"i miss you

r smile, you

(r arms around me;

"i can hear your heart beating!")

know?

i reallyREALLY do."

And there's something about this February night

that makes the lump in my throat expand unbearably

so unbearably--

,darling-- nothing could ever replace your eyes on me.

A flash of inspiration, and lost interest

Can't figure out the login to my little-voodoo.net webby -- no wonder it hasn't been updated in like four years. Was just going to do some minor updating; fix broken links, correct typos that have been bothering me FOREVER, etc.

Anyway, that lead me to rereading my old stuff (we're talking middle school days, here) and cringing because the pop-up layouts I used look terrible in Google Chrome. I might revamp that (those?) area(s?) just for OCD's sake.

I'm not pleased with the overall look of my blogs, and might totally redo these too. Ehh.

Come to think of it, I'm really not pleased overall with things. I'm feeling rather insatiable, and terribly bored. I used to have a biology teacher that would say, "only boring people get bored." If that's true? Then fuck, I'm really boring. I need a lot more than most people to hold my attention -- and yet at the same time, I nearly get run over by cars walking down the street with my nose in a book I can't pull away from. Totally weird.

I don't know; is that considered some sort of mood swing? I know that I certainly am quite capable of going from infuriated screaming glaring to smileyface curtsey at the tip of a hat, but that's more of a reaction to external stimuli, I would think?

Hmm.

love love love

My current obsessions on this dull Wednesday.

book: 100 Selected Poems, E.E. Cummings
band: Cute Is What We Aim For
show: Count Duckula
food: M&M cookies

Nothing new in particular. Better update tomorrow, maybe.

But before I go, I must share the best book ever from my childhood.

Living Happily in our World as an ENFP

The key to personal growth for the ENFP is competent execution of Introverted Feeling. It’s difficult for most to understand what this means, much less incorporate that directive into your life.

...some action-oriented suggestions that will help lead you down the path towards more effective use of the Introverted Feeling function. Specific suggestions:

· When you feel angry or resistant towards someone ...criticizing you, take this as a cue that you are not judging effectively.  ...take a step back from your anger and try to really hear what the person is saying objectively. Rather than expending mental energy in defining how the other person is wrong, try to judge what the person is actually saying.

· Periodically make lists of goals and accomplishments.  Revisit your goals and accomplishments as often as you’d like to maintain a sense of direction.

· Spend time alone regularly for the purpose of thinking through issues in your life.

Ten Rules to Live By to Achieve ENFP Success

1. Feed Your Strengths! Make sure you have opportunities to have new experiences to feel your quest of understanding the world.
2. Face Your Weaknesses! Realize and accept that some traits are strengths and some are weaknesses. By facing your weaknesses, you can overcome them.
3. Express Your Feelings. Don’t let anger get bottled up inside you.  If you have strong feelings, sort them out and express them, or they may become destructive!
4. Make Decisions. Don't be afraid to have an opinion. You need to know how you feel about things in order to be effective.
5. Smile at Criticism. Try to see disagreement and discord as an opportunity for growth, because that’s exactly what it is.  Try not to become overly defensive towards criticism; try to hear it and judge it objectively.
6. Be Aware of Others. Remember that there are 15 other personality types out there who see things differently than you see them. Most of your problems with other people are easier to deal with if you try to understand the other person's perspective.
7. Be Aware of Yourself. Don't stint your own needs for the sake of others too much. Realise you are an important focus. If you do not fulfill your own needs, how will continue to be effective and how will others know you are true to your beliefs?
8. Be Accountable for Yourself. Don’t waste mental energy finding blame in other’s behaviour, or in identifying yourself as a victim.  You have more control over your life than any other person has.
9. Assume the Best. Don't distress yourself by assuming the worst. Remember that a positive attitude creates positive situations.
10.When in Doubt, Ask Questions! Don't assume that the lack of feedback is the same thing as negative feedback. If you need feedback and don't have any, ask for it.




I don't care if this Personality Type stuff is bullshit -- any road to personal growth I'll trek down.

Further musings on the iPod

what is it about personality tests that fascinates us so much?

what is so endearing about reading what you already know? or how about discovering a song that completely hits home for you? a book that
could very well be your biography or the entirety of your philosophies?

i would imagine that it's tied to a sort of internal need to find a voice that understands you, a tangible presentation of who you really are, a way to relate to other human beings on a psychological level.

man, whether dreamer or scholar or protector or leader, has always strived to master such lofty ideas. putting feelings and values into words allows us to invoke what it means to be human at will when our actions are put to question or our sanity is almost at stake.

these glimpses of our personality provide us windows into our habits and behaviors, our core values, our strengths and -- most importantly -- our weaknesses. they offer reason and explanation, past and possibility; they offer a view from the outside looking in. I think of Aristotle and his ideas on aesthetics here: man appreciates art through the recognition of things familiar to him. how else, then, is he to react in any other way than enthralled when faced with a description of his innermost self?

...I am NEVER going to get my schoolwork done today, am I? gotta get my head out of the clouds again...

Sent from my iPod

To read when not extremely tired

and to be taken with a grain of salt and awareness of Forer effect.

ENFP $ ♥ +

>> ♂: INFJ / INTJ (?)



ISTP? ♥...

must remember that wanting something oh-so-very badly does not make it come true.