Jan 31, 2010

Napkin-drawings and personality tests

Kelsey and I hung out at Clackamas Town Center today, which is always a pleasure! I don't think we've had time to chat since... not sure exactly, but it's probably been approximately forever. So it was nice to catch up and such.

I told her all about the situation with Christopher and confessed how scary it is to have no idea what my future looks like. She was able to sympathize, and attributes her own boyfriend's maturity in the subject to a mentor of his.

We spent most of the time at the Barnes & Noble since it was one of the only places in the mall that was open past 7. She picked up a book on "cosmic couplings," which analyzed relationships based on gender and zodiac signs. None of the descriptions sounded right, so after a while we chalked it up to being a bad book. Finding little stools to sit on in the children's books section, we flipped through "Unfolding The Napkin," a guide to "solving complex problems with simple drawings." It was a fantastic book, and after we'd gone through it we found ourselves sitting in the Starbucks with borrowed pens and a handful of napkins. The complex problem we attacked: what the hell I was going to do after graduating. Apparently we weren't very good at the napkin drawings because things looked even more confusing when we tried to employ simple pictures.

As an alternative to horoscopes and oversimplifications, we hunted down a book she'd had when she was younger on finding a job that suits your personality. She struck up a conversation with a nice man and they talked about marketing and tennis and while he was quite flattering and polite, I found myself staring at titles on the book spines behind him and shortly buried myself in a chapter of a book on Enneagram personality types. I'd scanned the nine basic types and easily identified myself as "the Enthusiast." I think "spontaneous" and "scattered" gave it away.

We eventually found what Kels was talking about and the book was very interesting -- I didn't get much time to read more in-depth, but under my Myers-Briggs TI (ENFP) I found a list of careers I would love. Of course, there was a good portion of them that I'd never heard of... so there are still lots of options I suppose. I plan on hitting the library (or just heading back to B&N!) to read more.

I always thought I'd frame my life around my someone special. But with the lemons life has handed to me, I can still follow my heart and perfect my lemonade recipe.

Jan 29, 2010

Amazon Refund Case

Hello from Amazon.com.

Thank you for writing to us concerning order 102-0602814-3886600. As we note on our web site, all Amazon Marketplace sellers are held to a high standard and *must* accept returns as a normal part of doing business. We expect Marketplace sellers to work with buyers to resolve disputes. Under the Return Policy sellers must accept returns that are postmarked within 30 days of shipment.

Since this return is due to buyer's remorse, you are welcome to impose a reasonable restocking fee of no more than 20% of the item cost.  You may also withhold the original shipping costs at your discretion.

The buyer has been instructed to return the order to you; however, they do not have your return address or RMA. We cannot verify this information has been provided to the buyer unless we are included on the correspondence.

Please send an e-mail to the buyer's e-mail address, 
rosiecsr@aol.com, with this information and cc seller-guarantee@amazon.comon your message. Be sure to include the order number in the subject line of your email.  To resolve this issue as quickly as possible, please provide this information to the buyer within the next 3 business days or you will be held responsible for the full amount of this claim.

We thank you for your prompt attention to this matter, and for selling with Amazon.com.
So I sent her my address and am waiting on the book. Can't win 'em all, right? She paid $26.99 for the book and expedited shipping. I'm charging a 20% restocking fee ($4) and not paying for shipping. I basically lose nothing... just gonna be losing $16 from my bank account sometime in Feb.

I checked the Amazon marketplace again to see if I could make that $16 back -- turns out, the book's price seems to have gone up with colleges starting up their terms again... lowest price on the book was something over $40.

I win.

Jan 28, 2010

People Watching

Standing on the MAX on the way to my car at Lloyd, staring out the window, exhausted.

Train pauses at a regular stop. Catch eye contact with some guy sitting there eating. One second, two seconds. Most people instinctively look away or quickly smile. Three seconds. I, too apathetic to smile, hold for no reason in particular. Four, five-
he almost spits the food from his mouth and the train drives away.

I almost fell over laughing.

Boys are so funny.


It's somewhat ironic, I suppose; to fall for someone completely different from you in so many ways.
"Opposites attract," science and cliche tells us. Then what does one expect? I could pen thousands upon thousands of poems, waste an eternity on prose -- and yet from the one person whose opinion means the world to me, I would hear not a word.

Why does that sting so badly?
Perhaps if I were to see a smile, I would be content to know a reaction. Unfortunately, that isn't possible with 800 miles between us.
So I ask for more; I interrogate; I make assumptions (usually the worst) and ask more questions based on those. oh Lord, how does anyone put up with me?

I just wanted to know him. I just wanted to understand how things affected him. I just wanted to know his thoughts, and perhaps be delighted to find that I was so often in them. I just wanted his opinion. I just wanted to see things from his point of view. I just wanted to hear his voice.

I needed to hear his voice.

I needed to hear something...anything to tell me that everything was going to be okay and not to be scared and we'd get through it together and please don't cry don't cry don't cry.

And I don't care if you don't like my pretty words or perhaps the ones I have are not-so-pretty; I want to hear your thoughts and your uncertainty and your confusion and your ideas.

I want to be able to talk to you -- and be talked back to. Reciprocity, even in the most minimal of ways.

When I wanted to talk about the future, I didn't want bullet points and diagrams and promises. I wanted hopes I wanted ideas I wanted fears I wanted plans -- to be followed through or to be broken a third of the way in. I didn't ask for marriage or children or a house or anything.

Why did you have to turn away from me like that? Why did you have to lie and keep things from me all of a sudden? Why couldn't you just trust me and talk to me? Why could you never ever talk to me?
What did I do to lose the trust you gave me? What did I do to make us so distant? Why did you want me to plan my life without you?

I know that karma always comes around;
I must've done something awfully wrong to deserve this feeling inside me.

Jan 25, 2010

Little by little.


Just taking it one day at a time.

I can't decide if I am thankful or upset by the fact that so little has changed in my daily life. The ache is duller this way, but feels like almost a caricature of our relationship.

Just one day at a time, love.

One day at a time.

Myoo-sik Rev-yoo 2 // Battle Studies

John Mayer is and has always been one of my favorite people -- witty, sarcastic, thoughtful, and just really fucking talented. It doesn't hurt that he's cute, either.

Let me first say that it's hard for me to really be objective when I review his music; the original slower recording of "No Such Thing" from the Inside Wants Out EP and the entirety of Room for Squares were major parts of the soundtrack to my middle school-early high school years, and the release of Heavier Things was something to celebrate when you're 16.

Now, all that being said, John released another album in 2006, literally less than a month after I'd went to McMinnville for College. Continuum blew my little Chelly mind out of the water. A good friend of mine snagged the album off iTunes the second it was available and it couldn't have fit better into our lifespans -- "Stop This Train," "Waiting on the World to Change," "In Repair" -- and, just as God intended, he included a cover of Hendrix's "Bold as Love."

It felt mature, it felt classy, yet unready and raw. There's no doubt in my mind that Continuum's the peak of John's career. Around this same time I was exposed to his work with Pino Palladino and Steve Jordan in the John Mayer Trio on Try! and saw him live in concert for the first time. Incredibly talented guitarist.

I could not get enough of this man -- he oozed awesome from every orifice.

In fact, he's almost single-handedly uprooted me from mainstream pop and introduced me to the worlds of jazz and blues. Every orifice.

Getting to the actual album I wanted to review, Battle Studies: in a word, I'd call it "good." And... that pretty much covers it, I think.

I wanted more tracks like his cover of Robert Johnson's "Cross Road Blues" ("Crossroads" on the BS album) -- I require more proof for my theory that John also sold his soul to the devil to be able to play this well.
I can settle for just one of these gems in an album. After all, he's considered a pop artist... covers like these are almost like B-sides, and I'm happy to even have that much.

The album as a whole is, like I said before... good. There are a few songs which bug me -- I can't help but cringe at "Who Says" and "All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye" just makes me want to punch him in the face for some reason -- but it's all genuinely John. Lyrics, guitar and production. It isn't something to rave about obviously, otherwise this review wouldn't be two months late. It's a good album even following Continuum's act.

In addition to "Crossroads," some of the best tracks on the album: "Heartbreak Warfare," "Edge of Desire." I fucking love this man.

Jan 24, 2010

if you don't, well honey, then you don't

Despite my trembling and inability to stop crying, I must admit that this is the most amicable break-up I have ever had. For the umpteenth time, I almost wussed out... but instead of letting myself lose the ounce of courage I had, I typed it all out before we got on Skype.
I think I probably came off as attacking... I don't know, I was so scared. I felt like I had to do it right then and there or the misery just would never stop.

The only point he kept arguing was on loving me.

you want to know why I don't tell you everything I Think?

I just want you to think

because I dont want what I think to hurt you, and I know it would have

I see. so.. you were lying. you knew damn well what you thought and because it wasn't what you thought I wanted you lied and said you didn't know and you put me off and you made me worry and you made me scared and left me alone

of course you'd see it like that. I did not put you off

Christopher, I am done with you. good night

I love you.

that's bullshit. you don't do this to someone you love

I haven't done anything TO you

I'd rather be hurt and know how fucking scared you were too than not have a damn clue and still expect the worst
and tear myself up over why you can't talk
and tear myself up over why you think that
and tear myself up. you haven't done anything but kill me faster

I DO love you.

you can say it all you want, but that doesn't make you mean it when you act the same damn way. you think you love me, you're pretty sure. but you don't, and this whole.. believing you thing... is not working for me now

I don't act any differently than I did a year ago, 6 months ago

and, Christopher, if that is true, then I should've left you a year ago, six months ago
better late than never?

maybe you should have, and i wouldn't have made you so miserable

better late than never.

if thats how you feel. I still love you, and you cannot convince me otherwise.

well, boy, I love you more. and I can't handle that

I love you most...

I want to be loved and I want to know it. I want to hear it and I want to be promised that it's never going to go away

I still love this boy more than I could possibly hope to express.
But we are young and on different pages. If I recall correctly, it was the author of the book I asked him to read to me to help me sleep -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery and "The Little Prince." -- that once said something like..
"Love does not consist of gazing at each other,
but in looking outward together in the same direction."

How fitting. Perhaps, despite all this, he'll still be the one I grow old with.
And perhaps not. I still believe that this boy deserves the best, and I am disappointed to decide that it is not me. I just couldn't be content not knowing what my future would look like within a year. I just couldn't be content with his lack of planning. It hurt too much to think that I'd spent all this time waiting for something we both knew wasn't going to happen. And I couldn't bear the fact that I would have to be the one to end things... since he was -- and probably always will be -- able to bear the heaviest and largest of burdens without complaint. For me.

fine. maybe you're right. maybe you're in love with me for one reason or another.
and maybe I will always
always love you
but our relationship is over

I only want what is the best for you.

I know
I know baby
I really do think this is what's best. and I'm sorry I couldn't tell you over the phone

I'm sorry it came to this.

I'll get over it. and I'll miss you a lot. can you please, though, tell me what you thought? for sake of my tortured curiosity, since it has no bearing at this point

I just was feeling that maybe the bad was starting to outweigh the good.
in a nut shell. and I hated myself for thinking that, that is all
all i want is you
did I not say that exact thing to you? why couldn't you just be with me in that thought?
i can't live without
there was never any trick or trap or some shit
all i think about
because that thought wouldn't have changed the outcome of this situation and thats not what i wanted
all i want is you
Christopher, the fact that you stopped yourself from either supporting or reassuring me is what made me feel scared and alone
you're all i dream about
I'm sorry

no, don't apologize. just learn from that mistake for next time. ok love?


i can't live without
um. I suppose that's all

I suppose

did.. you want to talk on skype one more time or is this enough?

I'm not sure much would be said?

I'm just not comfortable remembering that we broke up over AIM. I really did mean to have a little class

i guess

if you're content, I'm sure I'll get over it easily enough, and I bet you're tired

I'm not sure

well, I had a nap at my aunts.. so I will be awake and available


Good night, I love you.

I love you, too.
all i want is you.

a horrible thought

once again, ladies and gentlemen:

it was all my fault.

Jan 23, 2010

Apparently, perfect posture isn't enough!

Alright, I give in. I'm literally constantly in pain because of my neck/shoulder/back. I'll see a fucking chiropractor now.

This isn't covered by insurance, of course, but apparently there's a "new patient special" from a clinic my parents went to here in Gresham when they were recovering from a car accident. $25 for the first visit... otherwise $250. I checked out what coverage I get from PSU (they make us pay for the insurance, so I might as well see if I can use it anyway) but it doesn't seem to be much at all -- but they did mention that WSCC does visits for $10 and supplies/x-rays are 20% off. So if I want to drive farther out to be a test subject, I can pay less. For now I'll just see Dr. Ramsey, since my parents recommend him.

Everyone and their mom has tried to lecture me on carrying a heavy bag over one shoulder -- oops. It's not like I don't swap shoulders or have excellent posture otherwise, right? Yeah... not good enough. I've probably been putting up with this pain for umm.. maybe 4 or 5 months now. It's not fun. :( It's at the point where stretching and applying heat/cold have little effect. I don't really know what that means, but it can't be good at all.

I figured in the long run, I'll be glad I had shelled out however many hundreds of dollars so I can actually get a solid nights sleep and not constantly be in pain. So here we go, diving a bit deeper into debt.

Fuck, the water's cold!

(to take your word, i'd have to steal it)

i will not echo your "i love you" while you frown at my beating heart at your feet and brush it aside


i will not.

i cannot be content as you laugh at my fears, giving sustenance to the monsters in the closet (&world-dearGOD,theworld) and making fun as i tremble alone in bed


i cannot.

i refuse to beg any more.

Perhaps, dare I imagine,
you are more than aware
of the mockery in your "good night"s
and the irony laid thick between "sweet" and "dreams."

Perhaps you've always known,
and have taken comfort in your ability to fuel my nightmares with everything
you do

with how i have (&still-ohGOD- still) been treated,
i would not be surprised on the least.

Jan 22, 2010


So I got this email earlier today:

Greetings from Amazon.com.
We have received a claim under the A-to-z Guarantee program for the order 102-0602814-3886600 because the details or conditions of the item(s) were misrepresented. The buyer's comments were "Because there was confusion in ordering this book, I ended up ordering two copies from two separate people. The other copy is in better shape and so I want to return and get a refund for the book from Cheldoll. ".
Please note that you have seven (7) days to respond to this e-mail. Failure to respond with all requested information below may result in a debit to your Amazon Payments account.

She ordered a textbook from me on Amazon.com on the 5th of Jan. We shipped it out on the same day and it arrived at her door on the 7th. This claim came in just today, which is the 22nd. Note that the book came exactly as described, and in no way "materially different." I literally did nothing wrong here -- they buyer just messed up and, subjectively, chose a seller to demand a refund from.

The response I ended up sending for the claim:

The item was not materially different than the listing in any way. It is considered used media and the item was delivered 15 days before this claim was filed. The buyer did not contact me in any way prior to this claim. A refund for the error of purchasing two copies from two different people should be granted... but it should be handled by Amazon, since only they and the buyer would have any knowledge of the mistake. It doesn't seem fair to put me out the cost of shipping twice for something they could have very easily prevented when handling the buyer's transactions.

Alternate angle: "Why are you buying books if you're too illiterate to read the names and realize you bought the same one twice?"

Seraphiimn (7:18:51 PM):I want to be nice since she'll read it, but I want to sound pissed off because amazon people will...
dragoon00 (7:21:25 PM):You could try to play the asian card.
dragoon00 (7:21:49 PM):"i need tis mony to sind 2 famile in vietnam"
dragoon00 (7:22:31 PM):"WHY YOU TAKE RICE FROM MY MOUTH"

Jan 20, 2010

hello again, Three In The Morning.

Fell asleep around 7p trying to finish Sir Gawain & The Green Knight. Woke up at 2:30a, rested but slightly confused. Several text messages caused my cell to vibrate every so often; even with the volume turned up halfway, the ringtone and motion apparently failed to wake me. Man, I must've been tired!

Got something to eat (I say this as I'm stuffing my face right now), checked Blackboard to get a bit of work done for English Lit. I'm lucky enough to have been partnered with a brilliant married couple just a few years older than I am that lets me do what I'm comfortable with and can fill in the rest on their own. It's SO nice -- I  dreaded taking this class since it's 200-level, and we all know what that means: idiot underclassmen fresh out of high school. My nightmare. I am Catholic, but even I can see that God apparently thinks I've like, suffered enough.

While I'm on the subject of classmates, I must say that I'm quite pleased with my luck this year. It's nice to finally find the ideal peers between clueless frosh, over-competitive pre-med students and self-centered upperclassmen. Dude. College is easy!

In other news: Thomas now has lobster emotes on AIM. In any other form of communication, since he is unable to use the icons, he has begun to express emotion with reference to lobsters. Kinda like that one chick in my SOC class last term and rabbits. Only not crazy.

Gonna try to go back to bed and not completely fuck up my sleep routine. Lobstersmiley.

Jan 19, 2010

so rest(list)(hope)(help)less

daylight is already
climbing the walls
lying in my bed -- so fit(piti)(dread)(pain)(aw)ful and
Alone -- i STARE

blankly up at the ceiling;(funnyhowitseemedtostareback)

...almost as if waiting for something to  fall  down to me?

But i know, honey
,FAR too well to bear:

nothing 's

Jan 17, 2010

thispainful realization thatALLhasgone wrong

i'm really going crazy with Christopher lately.

"Eugh. What's up?"

"nothing new, really? he just tried to brush me off again when I was talking about graduation and what I plan to do."

"I imagine that's really frustrating."

i told him i need to know... what's gonna happen. he said just to plan without him.



"That's... awkward."

the last thing I want to have to do is give him an ultimatum... but this is just killing me.

"No no, I totally understand that. And I don't think you're out of line for asking about that. In a long distance relationship, you have to know that. I mean, it's not like you're going "AFTER GRADUATION ARE WE GOING TO GET MARRIED? HAVE KIDS? GET A HOUSE? BE TOGETHER FOREVER?" You're just asking about plans."

yes. that's right.

"And saying "Plan without me" is not normal."

well, the question i asked was if our whole situation was "too sketchy to plan anything on." he said he wouldn't call it "sketchy," but to "plan without him."

"I think that might be even worse."

well... i think it's a little bit like putting words in his mouth.

"You're just asking if the relationship is going somewhere, and you've been dating for years. I think you need to talk with him and ask him."

heh. he just sidesteps any discussion like that

"Well, Chel, ultimatums don't generally end well, but you deserve better than that. You can't just ignore your significant other. You can't. If you were being crazy. I'd tell you, because having gone through it myself, I'd hate to see something like that cause problems again. You're being perfectly sane. It's normal to ask where things are going in a roundabout sense by asking if you should be planning with him in the future after 2 years. It's not normal to ask somebody you've been dating for 6-8 months if you're going to get married, have kids, get a house, et cetera every waking hour."

he has one year of internship then one more year of classes. i have less than a year

"Okay. So, like, I get that it means he's going to be "rooted" still for a while. But I don't think brusquely dismissing your girlfriend with a "plan without me" is normal or a good sign."

i just wanted... something... i don't know. something reassuring.

"Oh yeah, I totally agree. It's not like you were asking him to propose."

of course not

"You were just, if I'm understanding this correctly, asking if the relationship was going to last to the point where he'd be in your life after your graduation."

i never actually used the word "relationship." i just said "this."
and i said i could take another term even, since he has so much longer to go than I do -- and he said not to do that on his behalf.

"So did he actually use the phrase "plan without me"? Or was it just "Don't take an extra semester on my behalf"?"

both. I was in tears so I said I was tired to end the conversation.

"Ugh. Okay, yeah, if he said plan without me, I'd be worried. You have to get an answer from him. Going after him screaming for an answer isn't a good idea. But pressing him about it and saying something like "Christopher, I'm worried. I need to know what you're thinking here." is okay."

well, i think something's up with him lately. I don't want to force more on his plate if that's the case

"I think that's fair Chel, and you should probably tell him that. But what's not fair is leaving you in this position. You do not deserve that."

what if it's just karma?
like every horrible thing i've done just laughing in my face

"Chel, you don't deserve this. I don't care what you may or may not have done in the past. You don't.
Uncertainty and loneliness in a relationship are the worst things in the world.
No one deserves those things."

i'm scared

i honestly have no clue what he'll say

i really don't

"This isn't fair to you, and it's obviously not having positive effects on you. I'd call you on it if I thought you were being out of line. You're not."

but... I don't want to have to make him decide either way because of my situation.
I want to believe he sincerely wants this and that no one pressured him: least of all myself.

"I think that's fair. But you also have to be fair to yourself, you know? Relationships have to have good communication and reliability."


"Maybe you won't like the answer... but is the current situation really sustainable?


"Without martyring yourself."


Jan 15, 2010

During discussion of "Motto to 'The Poet'"

My ENG 477 (American Poetry) professor, in an exchange about a poem by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

"Well, that's exactly what 'love at first sight' means: laser eyebeams."

I feel enlightened. I think.

soTHISis odd:

he couldn't plan if his life depended on it

"Some of that is probably because he's a man."

he also just lost his car because he put off getting an oil change for 3 years

"That's pretty bad. I mean, I take kind of crappy care of my car. But... that's bad."

i can't even bring the topic up, he just dismisses it as "too far away"

"'Too far away?'"

he always says, "don't worry about it now"

"That could mean a lot of things. But yeah, I don't know."

well, what could it mean?

"It could mean he doesn't want to talk about it. It could be a sign of apathy. It could be a sign of detachment. It could actually mean that there's simply nothing to be done right now. So I dunno."


Jan 7, 2010


Oh, English -- how could I forget how much I love you?

Why didn't I think about how much easier it is to grasp the content and construct of language?

Ah, but I've found you again. Forget biology.

College is cake.

Jan 6, 2010

airport aura

"&Airports see it all the time.
Where someone's last goodbye blends in with someone's sign
'cause someone's coming home: in hand a single rose..."

I feel that I've taken you for granted these past three weeks. Now, sitting quietly alone at gate 23 at the Calgary Airport, I can already feel my chest tightening at your absence. I miss you, love.

How utterly selfish must I be to not be overwhelmingly thankful for every second with you, no matter what we're doing? How inconsiderate must I be to be angry with you and waste such precious time? I disgust myself.

Another six months without you.

I can't even fathom it -- and yet, I have to.

But it's just too many days without you.

Jan 3, 2010

i can't bear the sound of your silence


why do you turn from me, love?