Jul 21, 2010

"California, show your teeth--"

3 days and 10 hours. Can't wait!
California's been nice, if disgustingly hot. Definitely glad I don't have to endure the 18-hour car ride back to Oregon!

Location:Oxnard Blvd,Oxnard,United States

Jul 20, 2010

How could I forget?

Alright. There's no way around it.

I still love Christopher while I am with Thomas. Yeah, I know. I'm a shitty girlfriend any way you look at it and I'm completely nuts for confessing any of it.
Christopher, I will always love you. And yet, you and I --

remember that day I was simply inconsolable?
remember that day that to you was hardly out of the ordinary because
remember that day was like any other day for you because
remember that you never understood why you hurt me so easily? I sent you a song and you were excited to listen to another piece of music which
reminded that silly little girl of yours of the two of you, like the ones I'd sent before with love and devotion (if you need a hand to hold there look down by your knee) and you had nothing to say because you were not expecting a song that forced you to
remember that nagging thought in the deep dark place in the back of your head that said exactly what the chorus did
-- we are not meant to be. Tyler Connolly had it right, didn't he? I love you, but I am no longer in love with you.

Thomas, sweet Thomas, you will never be perfect.
You will upset me and you will let me down and you will make mistakes and you will forget important things. But the fact that you would give me a place in your life, the fact that you want me there for the long haul, and the fact that you could never imagine telling me it'd be better to plan my life without your protective arms around me or whispering in my ear that it's going to be okay or promising me you'll make it all better... that is all that I have ever wanted.
I can't type any more because the gentle sigh you let escape as you sleep quietly on the other end of Skype is almost sufficient to burst my heart open. You just don't know all that it is you do so effortlessly.

i am still a shitty girlfriend.

Jul 19, 2010


Watching old episodes of Tosh.0 on Comedy Central while we're waiting for the pizza to arrive. Apparently, Daniel deleted his MySpace? I don't know if that's legit or if it's still true, but that's pretty awesome. I should totally get rid of mine. Can you even do that still? I know some of my friends have deleted theirs -- although the majority of those people have promptly recreated accounts because they're stupid fucking addicts or something, so it was at least possible at some point. Should look more into this some time.

Jul 16, 2010


The original plan was to leave home at 4AM this morning but apparently my daddy couldn't sleep, so they decided to leave around midnight.

I forgot how uncomfortable sleeping in a car was, but I sure got a pleasant reminder!

Think I'll just try reading or something.

Location:E Cypress Ave,Redding,United States

Jul 14, 2010

i am Old Salamano.

Pulled my luggage out of the attic the other day so I could start packing for my trip. Grabbed a pair of scissors to remove the old tags from my last trip.

And I wanted to cry right then and there.

I remembered sitting on the floor in your room last winter, finishing up my packing. You rose from the bed and brought scissors over to carefully cut off the old airline tags as I watched quietly. I stared at the printing on them, mind reeling. PDX to YYC. Portland to Calgary. Me to you. Me to you to us. Within hours they would be replaced with new tags, sending me back (your arms feel like) home. I didn't know (how could I know?) that it would be the last time I saw ever you. I didn't know.

We went to bed and I spent the night lying awake. I already felt so far away from you, with your back to me once again in sleep. So far from you, and yet I could still touch you. But you were mine, and I was yours. I whispered "I love you" to your figure breathing shallow under the blankets. And I did love you. So much. I did and I did and I do and I always will.

I stared at the tags from Air Canada for a long moment before they rested at the bottom of my trash bin.


So we're headed down to California Friday morning, hitting Sacramento (where I was born!) then pushing our way to Ventura, where my aunt lives. I'm excited -- I've always loved California, and there's nothing more fun than tons of sunshine, amirite?

Leaving LAX on the 24th for Indiana, where I'll spend the rest of my summer, until classes start up again at PSU.

Fuck, I should be packing.

Jul 12, 2010

The Envious

I like to think that I'm a pretty friendly person. I really try to get along with everyone. Maybe too hard, sometimes.

So what makes me more frustrated than anything else is people that don't like me... and disregard any peace offering attempts because they've already got some judgement they've made about me.

It hasn't been a problem since high school. But we all know high school girls are jealous and stupid by nature, so I took what I could get for the most part. It still stung, but it's understandable given how shallow their collective pool of maturity is.

When it happens NOW, I have to wonder -- were you one of those self-absorbed bitches that must've had serious insecurity issues? Thomas thinks she's the "princess" type, hating anyone else that gets more attention than her. I mean, I'll be the first to admit I'm an attention whore. Pot calling the kettle black, right? But I never bring people down -- like I said, I try to get along with everyone. Empathy is like a natural thing to me. I've been guilty of jealousy, but certainly not envy.

What's the difference, you ask? In common speech, people use them as synonyms. Jealousy is even filed under envy in the list of the seven deadly sins. But the words themselves carry different meanings: both involve a longing for something someone else has, but envy takes it a step further, wanting that other person to suffer from the lack of it just as they do. Dante talks about how the envious get punished by having their eyes sewn shut with wire so they can no longer take pleasure from watching others suffer in Inferno. What an excellent solution.

I don't know what my point is. I'll never understand people's obsession with themselves to the point where they feel that others must be brought down. Never.

But you seem to be a master of this, miss. Maybe you can teach me?

Jul 6, 2010

Making District Finals

I'm pretty good at spelling. Some people tell me it's because I have a knack for words.

How do I remember how to spell words people often spell incorrectly? I associate the letters with things I won't ever forget.


I learned these in fourth grade.

Two N's, two E's, two S's...
Two M's, two E's...
Two of everything but C. Because C is for Chel and she is not necessary. We do not recommend her.

I turned down the opportunity to compete in the statewide spelling contest every year, only getting into district finals because that just involved a silent test in class.

How funny.


Thinking of moving the blog somewhere else. The only reason I opted for Blogger is that I'm a Google follower. I'd hoped they'd do more work with Blogger, but hoping for years gets kinda old sometimes. Might revive the old LiveJournal, might check out some other alternatives. If you have any recommendations, let me know.