Happy Pills

I am on two different antidepressants. I have been on drugs like these since I was eleven years old.

Last night, I forgot to take my pills. I had a nightmare in which a man was trying to kill me. Normally I wake up during these fairly quickly, but a side effect of being on SSRIs (or any drug, really) for an extended period of time is your body's dependence on them. Withdrawals are a horrible experience. I sleep well while on my medication but even a single night without them, I am vulnerable to the side effects -- poor quality of sleep, intensely vivid nightmares, extreme difficulty waking and a powerful grogginess that the brain struggles to recover from.

My dear cat luckily saved me by shoving his nose into my face repeatedly, because only physical movement can cause me to stir when my brain is lacking serotonin (in addition to mood, it also regulates appetite and sleep). But when I finally got out of bed at 3 in the afternoon, I recognized that it was too late to take my missed dosage without ruining my routine -- I normally take it at about 11 in the evening. So I decided I would wait it out a few more hours til it made more sense to take it again.

While I have been able to tolerate the migraine I've had all day, I feel physically weak. I forced myself to eat a sandwich and have a glass of green tea. It tasted like nothing. I spent some time surfing the internet but my headaches cut it short. I called my mom and focused on normal things. I cleaned a little. I even tried to exercise, but with my lack of any real calorie intake today, I literally collapsed.

It is currently 7 at night and I am lying on the floor, clutching a pillow to my chest. Light makes my head hurt more so it is dark in my entire apartment. I am crying and trembling. I am scared because I hurt so bad all over. It is unbearable. I am even more afraid of the realization that this is, and will be, the rest of my life. I need those stupid pills or I am reduced to this feeble little body on a dirty carpet, choking on her own stupid tears.

God, help me.

August

The last days of summer wind down and I find myself wound up something fierce. Huh.

Uploaded some poems to make up for my lack of blogging.

Apartment Cleaning

I hold back the sun again
 as I soap up the windows.
The daylight kept at bay.

Each Sunday brings reprise of
this most mundane ritual:
a regular exercise,
but one in futility.

Yet if not for my efforts
we'd be tsunami victims,
drowned in glossy magazines
and new credit card offers.

Everything was clean once.
Now, I am down on my knees,
sweeping up loose hair and crumbs.

Statistics

Today, 150,000 people died of natural causes

                        because starvation is natural when there isn't enough food to eat

                        and the immune system's natural response to abnormalities is to beat

                                    whatever it is to death, despite damage to the self

                        and fire was discovered, not invented

                        and jealousy is a natural response to wealth.

Poem About Abraham Sutzkever's Child

Mameh is looking at the men with the big black boots

She is not blinking and I,

I am so hungry

I ask for something to eat

Tug at her pant leg

and I win a fish

The fish tastes good and I bite in

It is slimy on my teeth

I begin to chew

But there is a loud sound

Something warm hits me in the head

There is ringing and my fish has no taste

I go into the big hole without Mameh

She is not blinking and I,

I am not hungry anymore