conversation several hours later.

"Okay, well first thing's first.

I love you. And I'm not cancelling my trip."

i love you, too.

and why not?

"Because I love you."

that's not a reason...

"It's the reason i get up in the morning; it's definitely a reason.

Even if you decide not to see me, being that much closer to you will make it worth it."

i'm not gonna be ok chris

i'm not gonna be ok

"You need someone right now. So I've offered myself completely, and I intend to make good on that offer."

no... please...

it will be a waste of a perfectly good visit and money

"No it won't."

i'll feel terrible

"Then I'll be there to cry on, I'll be there to hold you.

I will go with no expectations."

you don't understand how disgusting i am

no, no, no

you just don't get it. i'm a mess...

"You could never be so disgusting as to drive me away.

You will always be beautiful in my eyes."

you're delusional...

"I'm going to visit to show you that you are not lonely, not helpless, not worthless, not given up on, not a lost cause.

You are not lost, not weak, not disgusting, not lonely, not abandoned."

well... i feel like it. i don't see the point in doing anything anymore.

the only thing i worry about is dragging you down with me.

"No you won't -- I'll be at the top, to pull you up. To follow your metaphor...

I"m anchored so well that no force in the world could bring me down! I'm anchored by my love for you, and nothing can change that."

it's not going to work, it hasn't been..

every day i feel worse and worse

"You have your ups and downs... as hard as you try to hide things from me, I still see them.

Maybe not as clear as I'd like to, but I still see outlines of the things you hide,

and I can figure things out from there."

i don't want you to... you shouldn't have to bear my burdens.

it's not right

"That's too bad! I know you too well to see them."

that doesn't mean i can't keep hiding...

"You trusted me once before; trust me now.

You won't bring me down with you. I want to see you, I will always see you as beautiful."

"I'm just trying to tell you I'm always here for you and always will be. And I still intend on visiting you."

i still don't think you should, it'd just be a waste of time

"It wouldn't, that's just the apathetic part of you talking. It's a waste not to go, and it's a risk I'm willing to take in the hopes that you feel better even the slightest bit."

"I've said it before: let me be your strength, I have enough for both of us.

And you're stronger than you think yourself."

people can only take so much

and i have a bad habit of pushing them past that point

"You could push alllll you want. that doesn't change the fact that I love you. Nothing could change that."

but that's not enough

"For who? For what?"

...i don't know

"Knowing you love me is enough for me."

...

"You're stronger than you think.

I love you,"

I love you, too.

dear your name here

from Chel Mercado <@gmail.com> to Chris Arisman <@gmail.com> date Thu, Feb 5, 2009 at 8:46 AM subject dear your name here

hide details Feb 5

I am not sure how to tell you this, but I assume that you have also seen it coming.

I would like you to cancel your flight and hotel reservation for next week. I am more than willing to pay you back and cover any fees you get for cancellation. I intend to withdraw from school, which means I will find a job to pay off loans and bills, so do not worry about my financial state.

In an admittedly half-assed attempt to "go down swinging," I am prepared to speak with you about this, along with answering any questions you may have and listening to anything you may have to say to me no matter how harsh. I understand that this weekend is going to be pretty busy for you, so just pencil me in when you can. You may say as much or as little as you so desire.

To save time, if you ever feel the need to ask how I am doing, just don't. I feel worse than I ever have before. Every word I could pull from the saddest songs and my most miserable of poetry apply, and it feels ten-fold. I am sorry, I am scared, I am lonely, I am hopeless. I am worthless, I am angry, I am given up on, I am a lost cause. I am depressed, lost, weak, disgusted, aching, trembling, terrified, sleepless, lonely, abandoned. I am utterly broken.

" I can't help it, baby, this is who I am. "

I cannot bear to continue a relationship, much less of this distance. I cannot bear to rely so heavily on one person that they take on all responsibility for my well-being. I hate being able to so easily hide things from you and as a result cause myself -- and inevitably, you -- more suffering.

Understand that this is neither direction of blame towards you nor a request for pity -- only the truth as I keep behind bloodshot eyes. You are not at fault. Nothing is expected from you, and reasonable requests you make from me will not be turned down.

sincerely

me