if you don't, well honey, then you don't

Despite my trembling and inability to stop crying, I must admit that this is the most amicable break-up I have ever had. For the umpteenth time, I almost wussed out... but instead of letting myself lose the ounce of courage I had, I typed it all out before we got on Skype.
I think I probably came off as attacking... I don't know, I was so scared. I felt like I had to do it right then and there or the misery just would never stop.

The only point he kept arguing was on loving me.




you want to know why I don't tell you everything I Think?

I just want you to think

because I dont want what I think to hurt you, and I know it would have

I see. so.. you were lying. you knew damn well what you thought and because it wasn't what you thought I wanted you lied and said you didn't know and you put me off and you made me worry and you made me scared and left me alone

of course you'd see it like that. I did not put you off

Christopher, I am done with you. good night

I love you.

that's bullshit. you don't do this to someone you love

I haven't done anything TO you

YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING FOR ME

I'd rather be hurt and know how fucking scared you were too than not have a damn clue and still expect the worst

and tear myself up over why you can't talk
and tear myself up over why you think that

and tear myself up. you haven't done anything but kill me faster

I DO love you.

you can say it all you want, but that doesn't make you mean it when you act the same damn way. you think you love me, you're pretty sure. but you don't, and this whole.. believing you thing... is not working for me now

I don't act any differently than I did a year ago, 6 months ago


and, Christopher, if that is true, then I should've left you a year ago, six months ago

better late than never?

maybe you should have, and i wouldn't have made you so miserable

better late than never.

if thats how you feel. I still love you, and you cannot convince me otherwise.

well, boy, I love you more. and I can't handle that

I love you most...

I want to be loved and I want to know it. I want to hear it and I want to be promised that it's never going to go away

I still love this boy more than I could possibly hope to express.
But we are young and on different pages. If I recall correctly, it was the author of the book I asked him to read to me to help me sleep -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery and "The Little Prince." -- that once said something like..
"Love does not consist of gazing at each other,
but in looking outward together in the same direction."


How fitting. Perhaps, despite all this, he'll still be the one I grow old with.
And perhaps not. I still believe that this boy deserves the best, and I am disappointed to decide that it is not me. I just couldn't be content not knowing what my future would look like within a year. I just couldn't be content with his lack of planning. It hurt too much to think that I'd spent all this time waiting for something we both knew wasn't going to happen. And I couldn't bear the fact that I would have to be the one to end things... since he was -- and probably always will be -- able to bear the heaviest and largest of burdens without complaint. For me.






fine. maybe you're right. maybe you're in love with me for one reason or another.
and maybe I will always
always love you
but our relationship is over


I only want what is the best for you.


I know
I know baby
I really do think this is what's best. and I'm sorry I couldn't tell you over the phone

I'm sorry it came to this.


I'll get over it. and I'll miss you a lot. can you please, though, tell me what you thought? for sake of my tortured curiosity, since it has no bearing at this point


I just was feeling that maybe the bad was starting to outweigh the good.
in a nut shell. and I hated myself for thinking that, that is all

all i want is you

did I not say that exact thing to you? why couldn't you just be with me in that thought?

i can't live without

there was never any trick or trap or some shit

all i think about

because that thought wouldn't have changed the outcome of this situation and thats not what i wanted

all i want is you

Christopher, the fact that you stopped yourself from either supporting or reassuring me is what made me feel scared and alone

you're all i dream about

I'm sorry


no, don't apologize. just learn from that mistake for next time. ok love?

ok

i can't live without

um. I suppose that's all

I suppose


did.. you want to talk on skype one more time or is this enough?

I'm not sure much would be said?


I'm just not comfortable remembering that we broke up over AIM. I really did mean to have a little class

i guess


if you're content, I'm sure I'll get over it easily enough, and I bet you're tired

I'm not sure


well, I had a nap at my aunts.. so I will be awake and available


okay


Good night, I love you.


I love you, too.

all i want is you.