Blah blah, copied from 750w

let's do this. what's on my mind, what am I thinking? do I want something familiar to people or do I want something personal and vague? what is it I'm obsessed about? I don't know that I'm obsessed so much as I am apathetic and just overall listless. I've been that way a lot lately and I don't know why. It's hard to explain and it just sort of happens out of nowhere (or at least I think it's out of nowhere) once in a while. I know by now that the feeling will pass and things will be fine, but that doesn't make going through that time period any easier for me. I'm frustrated with myself, I tear apart my every tiny flaw and I reject every idea I think to offer myself for hope. Why?


I suppose I just feel lonely at times. I know that I am not -- I'm always talking with someone and people are all around me and I have easily a dozen friends who would be there for me at a moment's notice (give or take, I suppose) and I go out and to class and all, but I still feel alienated and alone. Sitting there with my headphones in my ears staring out the window at nothing in particular and yet still searching for something, something perhaps beyond my eyes, beyond those ears, beyond the typical means of expressing emotion -- intuition, instinct, I search for you.


We are all social creatures. This is true in so many ways. And yet I fit that description to a fault and beyond -- I need people, I need attention, I need love and care and contact and recognition from people important to me. Hell, if there isn't anyone important to me then I'll create an importance in someone new. de Saint Expery's king has nothin' on me. I long for this, I thrive on this, this is what I live for essentially.

I can't understand how I keep managing to get myself into these long-distance relationships when I know how disgustingly difficult and painful it is for either party. Why can't you just find a nice boy here in Portland, Chel? Why can't you stay within a 50mi radius of your home like "normal" people?


I suppose I don't consider myself normal. I often wish I was -- to fade into anonymity, to become simply part of the mass. But it's not in my nature, it's not in my blood. I can try it and fake it pretty damn well, but I know how contradictory it is to who I am.


I like to listen instead of talk a lot. I'm a very aural person and find it easier to pay attention to something I hear than something I read or feel. I am a poet -- so I certainly have words to express my thoughts and feelings, but in reality, who is concerned about those? Humanity tends to have this view of the universe that is extremely individualized. Deaths are statistics until someone you know dies. Numbers are numbers until they hold significance for you. We just have this sort of innate selfishness that we can't shake -- in fact, we often encourage it and see those that foster it prosper. It seems silly to me. I think people need to stop and put things in perspective more often. Not too often, of course -- I know the consequences of this all too well -- but enough so that you can learn to drop these conceited habits and ideas and continue being just as the universe is.


I had mixed emotions about this quote over the years -- sometimes it would be depressing and sometimes it would be hopeful. Sometimes I agreed with it and sometimes it made me want to just scream. But I do think that it is true. Though that innate selfishness taints our species, we belong just as much as any other thing in the universe. Things are beyond our control, sadly -- or perhaps for the better. Have faith? Believe? Or be afraid? Defend? Who is to say? It's all such a big mess to me in my head that I can't talk about it anymore.

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."