Morning and Recovery

Finding myself here embracing

   the rim of the bathroom sink:

Eyes fixed on the bowl — on anything other

than the  lashes  covered

in charcoal black mascara

blinking back,  above tongue licking dry lips.

"What a pretty little thing,"

  mouthed smirking lips

  spoke condescending grins

"Just a lovely darling,"

  leered strange faces

  in stranger places I was not supposed to be

& yet to trace the path of tapwater now

would only be to  tease  out  that vague,

  sinking feeling

that the world is passing me by today.

   i could start to be okay

if i should turn the faucet off

exactly the way a victim wouldn't

In the Kitchen Aisle

One stainless steel kitchen knife

and it goes -- sharp side down --

into the crate with the rest of the apartment's dirty silverware.

"Silver," the box  -- now broken down --

in the closet read, but she thought it more of a "grey."

"It's all the same," he had shrugged,

with dry lips pursing to one side

and blue eyes -- rolling down --

turning his head away.

"but it's not," came the protest, in

a volume -- falling down --

that did not turn the head back,

nor the sharp side of the knife up,

nor the shade of the utensils that would lie

              by a smashed bowl against a wall

              to a color more like what the box

              had promised her in that day in July,

"it's not."

(750 stats)

The Glass

It's never too far away, is it?

It's always there, it's always lurking, always looming.

It's the bell jar Sylvia Plath described, the one always threatening to drop and trap me underneath it. I have to actively avoid it.

It's the little animation next to the people in the depression medication commercials they have on TV -- it will always be there no matter what I do.

The only option is to get better at avoiding it. I'm still susceptible and I am aware of that, but being aware of that is a step further than I was before.

(750 stats)

Happy New Year

Here's hoping the Mayans are wrong.

(750 stats)

Saturday in December

I had what will probably be my last visit with Dr. Blyss on Wednesday. It took me by surprise -- Dr. Ramsey had me coming in for over a year and I still didn't feel fully recovered. But I'm actually not constantly in pain anymore. Funny how chiropractors are different when their priorities are different. I suppose that isn't entirely the reason -- my reduction in medication seems to have aided the most in the reduction of my dizziness and high heart rate. I've cut it in half, approximately -- maybe 200mg less than I was taking before. This is, of course, not under the supervision of a psychiatrist because Kaiser won't give me another one yet. No matter. Ideally, I'll be able to wean myself off of all my medications (not including birth control, although I did look into permanent contraception the other day) so I won't have to worry as much in two years when I no longer qualify for my parents' health insurance.

Fall 2011 term is officially over. I think grades are up next week, but honestly I don't care -- I finished, and that's all I can ask for at this point. I admit that it's a little sad that I don't hold higher standards for myself, but I've been doing that for two decades and we all know how that turned out.

I've felt more productive lately, felt more positive. I feel better, I guess. Not quite good, but better enough that I  have hope of being able to wake up smiling again. 

(750 stats)