First impressions matter

Swing your best foot forward
into a sewing needle

Under the big toenail it slips,
punctures flesh on the underside.
The needle eye's thread, long and white,
stitching together two red lips

immobilized but all the while
are oh-so-desperate to scream.
Yet instead, the ends of the seam
lift awkwardly
into a smile.

Top 20 Reasons to Do Anything

Top 5 Reasons to Hate Someone
5. Money (a lot)
4. Infidelity
3. Revenge
2. Obligation
1. Musical tastes


Top 5 Reasons to Love Someone
5. Money (a lot)
4. Fidelity
3. Religion
2. Obligation
1. Loneliness


Top 5 Reasons to Murder Someone
5. Money (a lot)
4. Infidelity
3. Revenge
2. Survival
1. Mario Kart


Top 5 Reasons to Marry Someone
5. Money (a lot)
4. Fidelity
3. Revenge
2. Survival
1. Disney movies

Through with you

I'm tired of the scent of urine and the way you look right past me.

I feel lied to and unwanted and alone.

I hate that belly and the way you don't give a shit.

I love you, but I'm not in love with you, and it seems the feeling's mutual.

You will not see this because you stopped reading things I write two years ago. You stopped trying two years ago and I've felt it ever since.

The Never-Ending Job Search

It is currently month four of my unemployment since officially graduating from PSU. It's driving me crazy.

I understand that the economy is shitty and there are millions of people out of work all over the country and that many over-qualified people are having difficulties finding jobs as well, but it really doesn't make me feel much better at all.

I feel useless. I feel as though I lack value to society.

I can't even be a stay-at-home mother because I don't want to have children. I can't be a housewife because I'm afraid of marriage.

What the hell am I supposed to be?

Ugh. Back to completing more job applications and waiting quietly by my phone.

Anti-baby

I have decided that I will not have children. Ever.

People dismiss my statement as a common one of young people with the implication that I, like many others my age, will reconsider as I grow older. Be it my "biological clock" or the desire to raise a family or happy accident, people think I will be a mother one day. Even my doctor doesn't think permanent contraception is worth talking to me about.

What they do not understand is my paralyzing fear of pregnancy and childbirth (as a former biology student, I know too many terrible details), incredible selfishness, long-term prescriptions to anti-depressants, and high susceptibility to postpartum depression.

I hear about people like Andrea Yates, the woman who killed all five of her children during a postpartum psychotic depression, and I fear for my unborn babies enough to never want to become pregnant. Neurologist Alice Flaherty, in the book I have been reading, discusses her PPD while looking at the link between literary creativity and mental illnesses -- it's basically cementing my decision.

I feel like children will not make me happy and I will make miserable children. Why bother?