Apr 24, 2010

"Which of the bold-faced lies will we use?"

"Hello! How are you doing today?"

Hm. Well.
I guess I would say I am sincerely bewildered.

I honestly wonder how people put up with me. Even I would not want to be my own friend. It isn't like this is a new development or anything—I've always felt this way. The only reason it's particularly fresh in my mind is because I was talking to Jin about it the other day. Once again I failed to make someone see me the way I see myself. Maybe that's for the best? I know I'd go mad if I didn't have any company.

But is there something about me that just attracts people? Rollyn made some comment jokingly, about "how popular you are!" I didn't know what to say. Instantly I'm the one everyone defers to in my little Victorian Lit group. I did the least amount of work but got the most praise. It seems unfair. Professor Mercer was delighted. But I didn't do anything... why am I getting all this credit? In my poetry class I've ended up being one of the people the professor turns to for comments on students' poetry when no one offers anything. What right do I have to spend so much time criticizing other people's poetry when they offer so much positive feedback on mine?

This is not to say that I do not love the attention—it is really quite endearing. But it certainly does not come without guilt for not deserving the vast majority of it. I often feel that I am unusually lucky when it comes to interactions with people. I have nothing to offer any of them, and yet I take so much from all of them.

Sigh.
Why the hell am I even complaining? Do I just need a reason to bitch?

I am sorry.

"I'm fine, thank you."

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