dashboard confessional

So quiet.

Another wasted night. The television steals the conversation.

E x h a l e.

Another wasted breath,

Again it goes unnoticed.

please tell me you're just feeling tired... cause if it's more than that, I fear that I might break. (out of touch, out of time) please send me anything but signals that are mixed... cause I can't read your rolling eyes (out of touch, are we out of time?)

Close-lipped,

another goodnight kiss is robbed of all it's passion.

Your grip

("another time") is slack;

it leaves me feeling empty.

I'll wait until tomorrow... maybe you'll feel better then. (maybe we'll be better then) So what's another day? when I can't bear these nights of thoughts of going on without you. This mood of yours is temporary; it seems worth the wait to see your smile again.

Out of the corner of your eye

won't be the only way

you're looking at me then.

iTunes, you fucking virus.

So I turned on my laptop last night and opened up iTunes only to find that the entirety of my library and playlists were gone.

Am I surprised? No. It's Apple.

Am I pissed? Fuck yes.

Apparently it's happened to a lot of people, too, but I haven't found a damn thing (much less any info from Apple) on how to fix it.

I've gotta figure out what I want to manage my music and iPod with now. Sigh.

counting the days

i have just enough fingers

to count down all of the days 'til i see you again

and it feels like my life is really in my hands now

tangible and resting in the palm of each

i am in control.

i love it.

who knew the dregs of depression could be so sweet?

gave up on myself (you didn't give up on me)

I have had no change in medication nor any visits with a therapist of any sort.

Interestingly enough, I notice an improvement nevertheless.

Of course there have been changes -- most notably academically. With a lot of support and encouragement from people, I changed my major to English, and met with an advisor to plan out the extra year I'd be taking. I'd really always wanted to major in English... but something about Filipino families makes their children feel like failures if they don't become doctors. My parents are a lot more understanding now though, so that helps.

So I'm enjoying school more, and less stressed. Chris is infinitely supportive and loving as usual, and I can go to Brit or Tom if I'd rather talk to someone else.

I'm visiting aforementioned wonderful boyfriend and staying with him and his family for the holidays. Leaving the 16th at night... I cannot wait. :)

Some things still require conscious effort to go through and I am still unsure about this papercut-phobia I seem to have. It's just weird.

All in all, this the first winter I've found myself happy during for years.

Myoo-sik Rev-yoo

So I'm not sure how I feel about "Not Good Enough (for Truth in Cliché)," one of the free mp3 downloads I just snagged from Last.fm. It's an old single (~2006?) by Escape the Fate and, quite frankly, if no one told me that I wouldn't have guessed.

I adore their latest album, This War Is Ours, completely, and not just because their leading single featured Josh Todd. Honest! (but FUCK, he's so hot.) I just love the lyrics and overall energy of the album -- I haven't seen it myself since I was out of the country when the Vegas boys were in Portland (waaaaah), but I hear Craig Mabbitt's stage performance is just as exciting.

At the moment, I've got "We Won't Back Down" going on iTunes; they're really almost a whole new band. I mean, I guess that's what happens when your band makes a pit stop in DramaVille and you lose your lead singer and a guitarist. I sort of feel that if you're getting a whole new songwriter, you're getting a whole new band. But hey! That's just me. I'm sure they just kept their name to hold onto their fan base.

Anyway, back to the single -- I'm going to have to give it a thumbs down. They sound pretty generic, and if this was the first ETF track I heard I definitely wouldn't have followed up. The lyrics aren't bad; they're a bit emo for my tastes, but they're not bad. I think Craig's vocals mesh with their sound really well.

So, sorry Ronnie! I think my expectations were just too high from the new Escape the Fate.

" i just want the term to be over so i can come visit you! "

" i just want it to be over because it's so long. "

hmm.

neurotic to the bone, no doubt about it

Officially, I have only been diagnosed with clinical depression and anorexia nervosa. I'm on and off medication for anxiety and am "slightly" obsessive compulsive.

None of this is new. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm pretty fucked up in the head years ago.

But that has yet to keep me from pursuing causation and further biological explanations.

Incredibly recently, I found myself curled up in a chair with some article on some psychological disorders -- while having a panic attack. It dawned on me then how utterly ridiculous it was to be so tied up in finding out why this was happening to me that I neglected to pull myself out of the hole.

And I do this all the time. I have a suspicion that is one of the core reasons I decided to major in biology. Just yesterday I listened to someone who has done a lot of research on Filipino American psychology. Instantly it became necessary for me to learn more about my heritage.

I read once that in order for anything to actually get done you must focus on the solution, not the problem. It's completely opposite of my instinct, but has almost always proven to be much more beneficial.

Hm.

improvement

Two more months. Back in school, taking a much lighter load of 16 credits and no labs. Looking into changing major. Another year after this one to graduate.

Things are fine, somewhat steady I suppose. Can't complain.

More another time, maybe.

" i'm here without you, baby, but you're still on my lonely mind; i think about you, baby, and i dream about you all the time... "

A summation

of the months it has been

since I have last posted:

slow,

steady erosion.

There are many words that have come to my sad mind, but such little motivation to do anything that noting them down feels frivolous. It is a shame. I have forgotten many of them, and cannot say whether that is for better or for worse.

I currently lie in bed alone, having seen to sleep the love of my life, who begins his first day of class for this term tomorrow. I should also be in dreamland, but instead I find myself crying like a pathetic little nag. Unable to cope with change, yet unable to bear with the present. My parents are in Australia for my uncle's funeral. I have let myself run out of medication and desperately need more. I can feel it, and I only have myself to blame. No one knows, and I only have myself to blame. I feel as though I am killing myself and no one knows. And I only have myself to blame.

what the fuck is wrong with me? what the fuck is wrong with me

falling apart

so even if i could muster up some sort of self-esteem to lift my head up, i'd find myself weighed down by guilt and shame and fear of the unknown.

why bother?

What I can do

The only thing that I am capable

and willing

to do

is curl into a ball

and sleep and cry and stare at the ceiling

What is wrong with me?

What I cannot do...

...eat regularly. I cannot eat adequate amounts even when I do. I cannot make decisions, cannot drink enough water, cannot help but feel pressured and frustrated. So much that I am unable to do. I can't

keep my pillow dry,

sleep through an entire night without waking,

find reason to get out of bed,

remember my dreams.

Talk about my problems, stop trying to pretend nothing's wrong, answer "how are you?" honestly.

Go through a day without breaking down, step outside without a feeling of utter vulnerability.

Look forward eagerly, look into the past and not feel like a failure.

Shake this overwhelming feeling of guilt or give myself a break.

Find a meaning for anything I do, find inspiration or hope or opportunity.

This.

I cannot do this.

feeling faint

Need to eat more. I get dizzy and feel like passing out while I walk around. Feel sick forcing self to eat.

Forgetful... apparently I put the milk jug in the sink instead of the refrigerator this morning. Left my car lights on, battery's dead now.

In the good news department, at least, my mood is better. Not too sad.

flavorless

I have always been a picky eater, but I've never lost all enjoyment from food. Nothing tastes good anymore. I reach for water when I am thirsty and crackers (without salt, even) when I'm hungry. I don't understand how it's possible to not like chocolate cake, but I guess I don't understand a lot of things.

Sleeping less because I keep tossing and turning at night. Not tired. I dunno.

not okay

I have lost complete interest in anything and everything.

I just want to curl up into a ball and not exist anymore.

I just don't want anything.

i want some of my own

what if i was never really that girl to begin with?

what if this is what i really am? a sickening excuse for a failure without purpose or hope.

i remember standing up on stage alone

and i remember the attention and the praise and the smiles

the familliar faces in the sea of people

giving me confidence

where am i now?

backstage drowning

i remind myself of somebody else

what happened to the "old me?"

the smilinglaughinghappy me?

what a terrible waste.

i hang up awards and crowns

cut up pictures of old achievements

i don't know that girl anymore.

i don't know her.

"i don't know"

Funny how more and more often I find myself using that as a response.

Therapist appointment today. Talk boiled down to me being "too hard on myself" and being too concerned about what others expect from me.

My insecurities could eat me alive.

June begins

Complete lack of motivation today. Occasional intention to do... something, quickly replaced by an overwhelming apathy.

No sadness today. Medication regular. No migraines today or yesterday.

Nothing new.

conversation several hours later.

"Okay, well first thing's first.

I love you. And I'm not cancelling my trip."

i love you, too.

and why not?

"Because I love you."

that's not a reason...

"It's the reason i get up in the morning; it's definitely a reason.

Even if you decide not to see me, being that much closer to you will make it worth it."

i'm not gonna be ok chris

i'm not gonna be ok

"You need someone right now. So I've offered myself completely, and I intend to make good on that offer."

no... please...

it will be a waste of a perfectly good visit and money

"No it won't."

i'll feel terrible

"Then I'll be there to cry on, I'll be there to hold you.

I will go with no expectations."

you don't understand how disgusting i am

no, no, no

you just don't get it. i'm a mess...

"You could never be so disgusting as to drive me away.

You will always be beautiful in my eyes."

you're delusional...

"I'm going to visit to show you that you are not lonely, not helpless, not worthless, not given up on, not a lost cause.

You are not lost, not weak, not disgusting, not lonely, not abandoned."

well... i feel like it. i don't see the point in doing anything anymore.

the only thing i worry about is dragging you down with me.

"No you won't -- I'll be at the top, to pull you up. To follow your metaphor...

I"m anchored so well that no force in the world could bring me down! I'm anchored by my love for you, and nothing can change that."

it's not going to work, it hasn't been..

every day i feel worse and worse

"You have your ups and downs... as hard as you try to hide things from me, I still see them.

Maybe not as clear as I'd like to, but I still see outlines of the things you hide,

and I can figure things out from there."

i don't want you to... you shouldn't have to bear my burdens.

it's not right

"That's too bad! I know you too well to see them."

that doesn't mean i can't keep hiding...

"You trusted me once before; trust me now.

You won't bring me down with you. I want to see you, I will always see you as beautiful."

"I'm just trying to tell you I'm always here for you and always will be. And I still intend on visiting you."

i still don't think you should, it'd just be a waste of time

"It wouldn't, that's just the apathetic part of you talking. It's a waste not to go, and it's a risk I'm willing to take in the hopes that you feel better even the slightest bit."

"I've said it before: let me be your strength, I have enough for both of us.

And you're stronger than you think yourself."

people can only take so much

and i have a bad habit of pushing them past that point

"You could push alllll you want. that doesn't change the fact that I love you. Nothing could change that."

but that's not enough

"For who? For what?"

...i don't know

"Knowing you love me is enough for me."

...

"You're stronger than you think.

I love you,"

I love you, too.

dear your name here

from Chel Mercado <@gmail.com> to Chris Arisman <@gmail.com> date Thu, Feb 5, 2009 at 8:46 AM subject dear your name here

hide details Feb 5

I am not sure how to tell you this, but I assume that you have also seen it coming.

I would like you to cancel your flight and hotel reservation for next week. I am more than willing to pay you back and cover any fees you get for cancellation. I intend to withdraw from school, which means I will find a job to pay off loans and bills, so do not worry about my financial state.

In an admittedly half-assed attempt to "go down swinging," I am prepared to speak with you about this, along with answering any questions you may have and listening to anything you may have to say to me no matter how harsh. I understand that this weekend is going to be pretty busy for you, so just pencil me in when you can. You may say as much or as little as you so desire.

To save time, if you ever feel the need to ask how I am doing, just don't. I feel worse than I ever have before. Every word I could pull from the saddest songs and my most miserable of poetry apply, and it feels ten-fold. I am sorry, I am scared, I am lonely, I am hopeless. I am worthless, I am angry, I am given up on, I am a lost cause. I am depressed, lost, weak, disgusted, aching, trembling, terrified, sleepless, lonely, abandoned. I am utterly broken.

" I can't help it, baby, this is who I am. "

I cannot bear to continue a relationship, much less of this distance. I cannot bear to rely so heavily on one person that they take on all responsibility for my well-being. I hate being able to so easily hide things from you and as a result cause myself -- and inevitably, you -- more suffering.

Understand that this is neither direction of blame towards you nor a request for pity -- only the truth as I keep behind bloodshot eyes. You are not at fault. Nothing is expected from you, and reasonable requests you make from me will not be turned down.

sincerely

me